Music Questionnaire

If there's one thing I've learned about blogging, it's that:
1A) I usually feel like blogging when I am in a sad or feisty mood nowadays.
1B) I usually shouldn't blog when I am in a sad or feisty mood because it sounds like I'm in the pits of despair ALL THE TIME.

Which realistically I'm not. But today is a sad/feisty mood day. You'll never know which, cause I'm going to go for something hopefully more lighthearted.



1. a song you like with a color in the title: Blue Clear Sky by George Straight
2. a song you like with a number in the title: 10,000 Miles by Mary Chapin Carter
3. a song that reminds you of summertime: Fireflies by Jessa Anderson
4. a song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about: (ha!) Yellow by Coldplay
5. a song that needs to be played LOUD: All the Small Things by blink-182
6. A song that makes you want to dance: Copperhead Road by Steve Earle
7. A song to drive to: Wake Me Up by Avicii
8. A song about drugs or alcohol: Wasted by Carrie Underwood
9. a song that makes you happy: The End and the Beginning by Matt Maher
10. a song that makes you sad: What Love Really Means by JJ Heller
11. a song that you never get tired of: Sparrow by Audrey Assad
12l a song from your preteen years: I mean, if we're being really honest here...Why Not by Hilary Duff
13. one of your favorite 80's songs: Song of the South by Alabama
14. a song that you would love played at your wedding: our dance was Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe
15. A song that is a cover by another artist: Boyce Avenue's cover of Teenage Dream
16. one of your favorite classical songs: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake is at the end of Of Gods and Men and WRECKS me.
17. a song that you would sing a duet with on karaoke: I would gladly butcher Love is an Open Door from the Frozen soundtrack! It'd be fun, I'd just butcher it.
18. a song from the year you were born: I'm just gonna leave this here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaTGrV58wec
19. a song that makes you think about life: Love is Moving by Audrey Assad
20. a song that has many meanings to you: Happiness by The Fray
21. a favorite song with a person's name in the title: My Maria by Brooks & Dunn
22. a song that moves you forward: He Rose Again by The Vigil Project
23. a song that you think everybody should listen to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G3IFp3Ckiw
24. a song by a band you wish were still together: Grandpa (Tell Me 'Bout the Good Old Days) by The Judds
25. a song by an artist no longer living: That's Amore by Dean Martin
26. a song that makes you want to fall in love: I mean, whenever Matt wants to romance me a good go-to song is Something Just Like This by Alex Goot...or anything else by Alex Goot...Matt has an Alex Goot mix on standby ;-)
27. a song that breaks your heart: Build by Life by Housefires
28. a song by an artist with a voice that you love: Restless by Audrey Assad
29. a song that you remember from your childhood: No News by Lonestar
30. a song that reminds you of yourself: Broken Things by Matthew West

Edited: Vent time, sorry

The Good: Tea with Tolkien podcast (and everything else by her too): https://www.teawithtolkien.com/

The Not-so-good: Our national discourse on violence. We know what needs to be done. But we don't know what needs to be done. We hit our knees. But we're not good enough for doing that.

The True: He Rose Again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYTsm8h-ZLM

The Not-so-true: f you're reading this now, it's been edited and you don't get to see my original vent...sorry (not sorry). I just needed air my frustration for a little bit, and now I am much better. Just know that 1) I feel quite strongly that most people opposed to NFP have no idea what it actually is and 2) I am a super sensitive person who needs to continue to work on when to walk away from fruitless conversations.

The Beautiful: 2 Samuel 23:5

The Not-so-beautiful: Mice. Nearly 6 mice caught in the past month. Icky little critters refuse to be gone.

The Prayer Request: Also edited...I had an important doctor's appointment today. Please pray for clarity in moving forward.

The "We're not going to end on a sour note":We're aunt and uncle again! Beautiful nephew born a couple days ago. Another nephew due before end of the year. We are so ridiculously blessed by these beautiful children in our lives and our amazing family. God is good.

The Good, the True, and the Beautiful: 7 Quick Takes

1. The Good: I have been unemployed now for nearly two months (BTW, that is not the good itself. Keep reading for the good). While the first month was the hardest and I haven't made quite as much progress as I'd like on a best schedule for myself, overall I've reached a better stride and better mindset.

2. The True: I had my first round of interviews for a possible new work opportunity and, even it this doesn't end up being the one for me and/or they choose a different candidate, it's been a good reminder that I still "got it" when it comes to being looked at for positions. And interviewing so far has been sooooo much better after working full time as a youth minister and getting so much more varied experience under my belt (Fundraiser! Caretaker! Lesson Planner! Administrative Assistant! Volunteer Coordinator! Public Speaker! Social Media! World Dominator! [ok, sorry, one step too far lol]).

3. The Beautiful: I've been able to attend a daily Mass about once a week since beginning of unemployment, or at least stopping in for Adoration for a bit more randomly and often. Also spending more time outside, which historically has not been my forte. I've made more progress on vines and had a nicer little blooming corner garden this year.

4. The not-so-good: Mother's Day and the weekend after with a baptism were a little more difficult than I like to admit... But a goodish recent development, with the help and hard work of a few other women, has been to get an in-person infertility support group going locally. It's something that's been on my heart for a long time, and I hope the Spirit continues to let us meet and grow the group...as one of the ladies recently said, it's a group that we both love for the fellowship and hate for the circumstances.

5. The not-so-true: The first two weeks of unemployment were the worst. So much self-debasement. So much questioning and having to constantly remind myself of why I'd made my choice. So much temptation towards pride and trying to keep a hold on how I would keep things going if I was still in the position. It was pretty rough, y'all.

6. The not-so-beautiful: My hair and overall appearance right now...and I don't say that to be demeaning to myself, it's just that I spent four hours today putting together a new nightstand/dresser from Ikea and y'all, I'm just a bit of a glistening mess at the moment.

7. Other random tidbits: I've recently started a more in-depth list of intentions and keeping track of them at the suggestion of my spiritual mentor. I also recently started in on 2 Samuel in my quest to read all the Bible starting with the shortest books and working my way up...which started when I was in like 6th grade so, you know, not too impressive for progress, but it's the thought and attempts that count. Matt will be leaving for his annual trip to Canada next week. I'll be doing a silent retreat for the first time that same weekend. My very new container of coconut milk looked curdled and I'm trying to figure out if I just didn't shake it well enough or if it was actually just old? IDK, my go to milks are usually almond and macadamia these days. I need to mow in the morning so I'm going to bed rather early for a Friday night.

Leaning In

This weekend will be full of emotions.

Friday was my last day of work at my work-parish of 3.5 years. I didn't leave things as perfectly as I'd hoped. So I spent Friday feeling the full weight of my inadequacy.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm one of those that will sit in the pew a little heartbroken if/when the moms are invited to stand for a blessing.

I want to hide a bit. Or be somewhere else...somewhere they don't know me.

But God has been saying, pretty directly and unmistakingly, "Stay. Don't run. Lean in. I'll feel everything you feel. I'll feel your humiliation. I'll feel your shame. I have taken on your humiliation. I have become shame...I have resurrected it into glory."

It's ok for me to experience and acknowledge my failings in my work/ministry position that I just left. It's true, for every success I may have had there were about 10 ways I didn't step up. And that's on me. By acknowledging it, though, it also allows me to invite God to fill in where I failed. If I pretended I did everything right, well, that just wouldn't be sincere. If I just wallow in my failure and didn't bring it to God at all, that is pride, as if it all depended on me, which is the greater temptation. God is crushing that right now and making me confront the past 3.5 years in all it's brokenness and glimpses of glory. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

It's ok for me to feel sad in the pew on Sunday. No one needs to feel worse because of it...I still want all the moms to feel blessed and spoiled and appreciated tomorrow. I know I won't be the only one sad, some have different crosses than me that I can't imagine bearing...birth moms who have given up children for adoption, miscarriage, moms who have passed away. I know that any other Sunday, there are other people hiding back tears for other reasons...broken relationships, broken dreams, broken faith. It is better for me to stay with my community and welcome them to carry my cross with me and carry their crosses too. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

Full disclosure, I have been preparing my heart for this weekend by hiding my heart within the lyrics of a worship playlist and trying my hardest to make the lyrics my own prayer. Sometimes that involves scream-crying "You're a GOOD GOOD FATHER" and convincing myself that He really does love me, or whispering "Lead me to the cross" when I know I'd rather stay away from it. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

Seven Quick Takes: April 2019

1. I'm officially at 15 days to my last day in my current work situation. It's surreal, mostly because I have tunnel vision to the end of things and trying to make transition smooth. More people keep asking if I have something lined up for after my last day, and "trying to get pregnant" is usually too crazy of an answer outside of a couple of very wonderful and understanding women in the parish, so my usual response is that I am finding something part time closer to home. Which is also true.

2. My big April event went over as well as it could considering my own failings and strengths I brought into planning it out. It took a significant chunk of the youth account, but didn't wipe it out and with youth group *probably* going to be non existent next year anyway, I think it is better that we used donor money toward something that was spiritually edifying rather than letting it sit indefinitely (at least that's what I tell myself when I get frustrated).

3. Outside of tunnel vision, I am starting to look forward to my three best friends from college coming into town for a couple of days this summer. When we meet up we always intentionally make time to share life and how the Spirit has been moving and edifying each other and it's just so good.

4. I am more of a social media observer than content-provider. For my Theology of Technology class in grad school I got a Twitter account. Facebook keeps getting worse as far as having to follow people in order to see new posts, which I don't want to do, so I've moved on to watching funny and insightful priests and sisters share memes and stories and gifs on Twitter.

5. I have nearly $8 saved up on Google rewards. I think I'm getting close to having enough to buy Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts on e-book.

6. I'm in a weird enough transition phase of life that some days when I'm feeling super anxious I have the thought to go and get a radical haircut. I'm trying to ride it out. I do want to get my little bit of purple again after I'm done with work. Britney's head shaving incident makes more sense some days.

7. People/events to pray for: Sri Lanka, Benedictine grad and her baby who were killed in a vehicle accident, some prayer intentions and frustrations from my infertility support group, new Catholics including 6 of my students who entered the Church at Easter and two more who will on Memorial Day weekend, 15 students receiving 1st Communion this weekend, and a special intention.

Lent in the Garden

I think the idea last year to focus Lent around an aspect/title of Jesus that He's wanting me to learn about Him was fruitful last year, so I'm doing it again this year. Last year I based everything around Christ the Physician, this year is Christ the Gardener. Now I will be the first to admit I have not delved nearly as deeply as I ought, mostly due to an energy-draining work project that is at the beginning of April, but here's what's come up for me so far:
* When I presented the idea to my spiritual mentor, one aspect she mentioned was that of Christ's cross tilling the soil of my heart. That has struck with me, especially on days where I'm so consumed with my project that it leaves me feeling desolate. It reminds me that Christ is preparing the fields through me and my sacrifices.
*I *am* trying to actively spend more time gardening (because truly I'm not good at spending time outside, so it's both a penance for me and brings the gardening images to life). The thoughts I've noticed when I go to garden is that at first I get so annoyed that I don't see any progress so I want to give up within 5 minutes of starting, but then when I get into it it's hard to find a good stopping point because I keep seeing improvements I could make. I realized that in some ways I approach my relationships and ministries with the same attitudes... take the youth ministry aspect for example, I get so frustrated that I can't see any good coming from my efforts, so there is the real inclination to throw up my hands and walk away, but then when you start to see progress in the kids in their conversations and attitudes, you get giddy and can't help but think how you can keep the momentum rolling. Also, I say that I'm gardening, but mostly up to now I've just been having to haul twigs around our yard and prune a bunch of vines and as I was in the middle of untangling and hacking a bunch of vines, I couldn't help but think of how much I suddenly did not like the parable of the vine and the branches anymore 😋 seriously, vines are worse to remove and dig up and kill than weeds.
*Another image that has kind of come up for me are the types of flowers in my life. This came up because in our small young adult women's book club at our parish, we usually share a "rose and thorn", or high and low, from the time period since we last met. But what else besides roses are in my garden? Of course you could associate weeds with sins...I think of simple pleasures as daisies, sacrifices and prayers as lilies, little sadnesses as blue hydrangeas...
*Of course the one time we see Christ the Gardener in Scripture is His encounter with Mary Magdalene after the Resurrection...where do I not recognize Christ in my life? Where do I not recognize His glory?

Let them listen to Christmas music in Advent (and even before it too!)

I should have written this in December, but it's still a little bit on my mind since it's still the Christmas season!

One fruit of the New Evangelization that I've obsrrved has been the attitude of many Catholics to meet non-Catholics where they're at in their walk of faith. Coupled with a cultural trend of sensitivity to others, the conversation of "Oh, you believe that? That is true and good and beautiful and I have that too, so let's start there and we can be friends and discuss this civilly," can be very winning and effective.

Yet somehow, when it comes to Advent and how to practice it, it seems that the same empathetic Catholics suddenly explode with rAGE oh my GOSH I can't beLIEVE these people listen to Christmas music before December freaking 25th and you don't even KNOW how to Advent properly you heathens get behind me SATAN!

Now, my argument isn't that we should lose our correct focus on waiting for the coming of Christ, both in remembrance of the mystery of the Nativity and in anticipation of the second coming, but if I can imagine a non-believer being turned off by someone going off about how you're doing Advent wrong by engaging in some (fairly innocent and really quite endearing) cultural norms because I as a practicing Catholic are turned off by being preached at about whether I should be putting out my stocking and humming some Jingle Bell Rock, then we are definitely going about the conversation wrong.

I simply suggest we should employ those same methods of evangelization to our conversation on the practices of Advent. Let's start with the truth... sometimes people who listen to Christmas music starting in October aren't shallow and aren't trying to take Christ out of Christmas. Perhaps they are anticipating the joy of Christ so much that they can't hold it in. Even if they're a non-believer...there is still the sense of anticipation of... something. So let's start there. "Oh, you're excited for Christmas? There's something about joy and an 'already-but-not-yet' that you can't quite put your finger on (or maybe just aren't willing to name)? Me too! Let's start there..."

Maybe they are into the (cultural) "Christmas season" because it's a season that would otherwise be dreary, sad, or lonesome for them. We live in a disconnected and messy world and winter hides our much needed source of Vitamin D, and if the message or melody of a Christmas song will lift spirits and bring a spark of joy...let them have their cake and eat it too, for Pete's sake!

So whether early Christmas music grinds your gears, Santa makes you grumpy, or Happy Holidays/Xmas makes you shudder... let's calm down, take a breath, and start with the loving truth. Yes, let's await. Yes, let's be generous. Yes, let's respect others' religious convictions (plus sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch a Facebook debate for the upteenth time about whether December 25th was a pagan holiday and the meaning of the letter X). Happy continued Christmas season!

November Seven (not so quick) Takes

Sneaking this one in before the end of the month...

1. Because it's fresh in my mind, our Sunday driving misadventure included...
#1: driving to KC at a good time before snow accumulated... but then not driving straight home.
#2: The first indicator of issues involved getting stuck behind another stuck car on a road which involved us going back down a hill and trying an alternate route.
#3: On our alternate route we were going a good pace, but then were cut off by another car which resulted in getting stuck on a hill on a highway with several other vehicles.
#4: After a truck with chains helped us off that highway, we tried 3 different roads to get to our house (which was constantly within 2 miles), but kept getting stuck on hills. During this time a mustang spun out in front of us and as we backed away we backed into someone else. Who didn't exchange info with us because she had no insurance and all she was out for was gas for her car.
#5: Finally I decided we should just go downhill for as long as possible and find a parking lot to get off the roads. Which was a good idea. I found a parking lot at a big park near us and realized I could drive for as long as possible through the park without traffic in our way and at least get us closer to home. Which was a bad idea.
#6. This drive through the park resulted in (surprise surprise) getting stuck on a hill and in my 3point turn to get back down the hill, got my back two tires just off the road enough that we were really truly stuck. Several phone calls later and our good friend came and helped us shovel out, park in the park rest area, and drove us home.

(I told you these wouldn't be so quick)

2. My greatest joy at work right now is Wednesday evening PSR. We have both Sunday and Wednesday classes, and our Wednesday class is only 15-20 kids in various grades, most of whom are 1st and 2nd grade students. I teach a small group of older children... usually consisting of a couple of 3rd graders, a 4th grader and a 5th grader. They read through their lessons and I walk around and ask them to be able to tell me what they are reading, define words, describe what they've learned in their own words, etc. They have been so self starting, interested, involved, and overall joyful kids to be with!

3. I broke down and created a full sized (8.5x11) agenda for myself (versus the mini binder and paper I'd been using). I'm able to fit my work loose papers in it and be more creative with the layout.

4. Recently I've been reflecting on how brokenness is not always sinfulness (although brokenness is in the world because of sin), but still needs reparation. My thoughts on this go in circles a bit.

5. I've adopted another podcast since my last blog. The Lanky Guys (technically called Word on the Hill, and the podcasters are known as the Lanky Guys, but you can find the podcast by searching for the Lanky Guys) cover the upcoming Sunday readings. They seem to make a lot of the same points each year (they've been doing this for upwards of 6-7 years), but it's still nice that they give a whole bunch of context and they really try to pull together all 4 readings (yes, including the responsorial psalm).

6. So far macadamia nut "milk" is my fave dairy alternative.

7. Avoiding the sorrowful...
My grandpa had some polyps that were causing obstructions near his pancreas, gall bladder, etc., so they decided to go for surgery to remove them on Nov. 12th. Because it is a major surgery and he'd be laid up for a long time, my dad brought him along on our new annual tradition of watching a KState game in Aggieville on Nov. 10-11th. The surgery the next day seemed to go well, but he developed complications including pneumonia, a collapsed lung, and his heart could no longer handle the stress. On Nov. 18th, as my family surrounded him, he passed away. Thanksgiving week for us thus included my brother getting emergency leave to come home, the rosary on Friday and funeral on Saturday. It's surreal and heart breaking to reflect on my last three weekends.

A post by the name of "Ugh"

Ugh was too short of a name for this blog post. But it's the heart of it.

God has been doing a work on my heart these last few weeks. It's in many forms and in many ways and I don't know what the end result is supposed to be, but I can sense it.

Discernment for me usually occurs when a theme keeps popping up. Right now that theme/word for me has been "desert." Ugh. The desert is not fun.

But for me, desert is a both now and future thing. You know those days where you go home at the end of the day thinking, "Why in the world did I phrase things that way? That was so awkward. What do they think? What are they saying?" That has been nearly every day for the past two-three weeks and for the foreseeable future for me. I just can't get a good handle on things I want to communicate to people. My desert currently consists of more days than not of having to lean on God and saying, "Ok, that did not go over smoothly at all...but the day is done, there is nothing I can do now, I have events in two days and a week and a month and 6 months out I need to focus on now." Every single day includes a pep talk of, "You are worthy, you do not and cannot do anything to change your worthiness, your worthiness does not rely on other's opinions, what other people do or think does not need to affect your inner peace. Daughter of God is your identity." Now, that sounds like a good mantra, but when nearly every other day if not every day has such a low point that I'm having to repeat that over and over, it's also exhausting that my heart just hasn't gotten the message yet. And so I keep returning to the desert, or traveling further in in any case.

But the desert is also in the future for me. Ugh. I've recently made some movement towards some big changes in several months, and every time I'm tempted to think, "Things are going to get so much better after this amount of time, everything is going to be so much easier," God interrupts my self-talk and lets me know that the desert is yet to come. This side of heaven, we will never be in perfect peace, although God does want our good here and now. There is going to be a temptation to settle into the easy, but as a great saint has told us, we were made for greatness. And so it does scare me that the desert I am going through now that feels so burdensome is only preparing me for the desert that is to come...

But the desert is not barren. The desert is where the Lover of our souls beckons us to come away with Him, and so it is so kind and loving of Him to call us into the wilderness. He does not do this to try me, to test me, to push me beyond my limits, to abandon me, but because of His wild and wreckless love. On one of the episodes of Abiding Together I was recently listening to, they were talking about the point that each of us is broken, but broken in a different manner from each other so that, even though we can relate to each other in our brokenness, only God can meet us completely in our brokenness, just as we are each individually called and loved by God. God loves us all, Jesus died on the cross for us all, He died on the cross for me and if I was the only person on earth He would have died for me and He died for me that day. To call me as His Beloved. Exactly as I am...my gifts, my quirks, my brokenness. It's been a temptation for me to reach out to anybody and everybody to talk me through my desert and how I'm struggling and how to get through. But God does not want me to rely on anybody and everybody else besides Him.

And so in my current desert I will continue to pep talk my heart everyday: "You are strong, you are kind, you are sensitive, you are worthy. Jesus is kind. Jesus respects you. Jesus is with you." And as my future desert approaches, I will prepare and strengthen my heart for whatever that desert holds...knowing that God is my strength, and He is sufficient.

All under control: Seven Quick Takes August 2018

1. I was imagining writing a blog post as early as last night about how really, I have my spiritual, work and home life under control and yes, I've GOT this! And then today rolled around, and I have been panic/overwhelmed central. Humility check.

2. Europe happened, which is still a little crazy to comprehend. I'm so grateful for the opportunity, and hope one of these days to dedicate a blog post to it.

3. Having a flea and ant-less home is a great thing. Now about those spiders.

4. So grateful for the Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast for bringing me joy. So grateful for the Abiding Together podcast for kicking my bottom and wrecking my world.

5. Ordering dairy and gluten free-ish on the go really just means a whole lot of fruit and hash browns.

6. Along those lines, today's simple joy is popcorn.

7. Off to dinner with the Hills!

Vulnerability and Openness in a media age: 7 quick takes

1) school year is done. I've been able to go to our regular Mass time at our regular parish with Matt the past TWO Sundays. Glorious.

2) Summer youth planning includes, but not limited to, a week of day trips for the HS students to different churches and fun places, and third straight year of Vacation Bible School for the incoming K-8.

3) Just applied for my passport this past week. Hoping that visiting my brother will come to pass. Will be my first time out of the country.

4) I bought a skirt for $5 from Amazon (I'm not an online shopper, but I had a $10 Amazon gift card). It is my favorite article of clothing. I think I've been wearing it nearly once a week since I bought it.

5) I like my summer wardrobe significantly less than my winter clothes. At least my office attire, anyways.

6) We recently celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Olive Garden and opening night of the Han Solo movie was how we celebrated.

7) Concerning the title: I've been mulling over vulnerability and the role of the internet. There are so many good articles out there where people really share their deep struggles so that whoever is reading can benefit or at least know that they aren't alone with whatever the struggle is. Vulnerability demands trust, and the way some people (aka not I) can so gracefully open up about topics so intimate and inspiring floors me. I remember mulling for a long time before mentioning infertility here on this blog that I think maybe three people in total read. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on Facebook. I think maybe one Instagram post I have alluded to it. I suppose it depends on the traffic of the website/social media, intention of the poster (inspiring others versus emotional dumping into the void)... That being said, I ask your prayers as I find myself facing an onslaught of anxiety issues. I'm seeking the help I need mentally and spiritually. The thing that gives me the most hope is that Grace builds on nature.

Bonus! 8) you might remember in my last 7 quick takes about my skin care debacle. Update: I bought some okay regerist. $20 for a 2oz bottle... good grief! I have not been super impressed. My cheeks especially are still very red and (maybe more than before) dry. After this bottle is out I will probably try plain coconut oil, but I also read a cautionary article that coconut oil can clog pores (interestingly, same with hair, that hair can absorb the oil and then not absorb water, leaving it more dry than before). Still, I think I will give it a shot and make sure to wash my face by the end of the day. I DID buy a facial soap cleanser that I have started to use once a week, just to give it a good deep clean.

...and now it's March: 7 quick takes

1. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's ok that I'm only getting to this once a month. I'm not a college kid with loads of free time anymore 😜

2. My greatest accomplishment in the past couple of days has been clearing my personal email. I'm very thorough with my work email, but I'd let my personal email get close to 900 (mostly unread) emails, not including the sections that Gmail denotes as promotions and what not. I'm nearly done with 2017!

3. My face is super dry, no matter the season. I've been using Pond's facial lotion for 10 years after a facial for a wedding where the beautician suggested that using lotion would help me not to get oily skin by night time. Which it mostly has. But in the past couple of years even Pond's hasn't been enough to keep my face moisturized through the day. I reached out on Facebook for suggestions and decided I will try Olay regenerist first, and then try some good ole coconut oil and see which I like best. I'm a few days into using the Olay and I'm not super impressed...I feel like I should be impressed when it's a $20 1.7fl oz bottle. I'm still noticing dry skin halfway through the day, and it stings, which Pond's didn't. BUT I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt the first couple of weeks because A) it's $20 and B) I did get a little sun on Saturday, so that may be why it's a little dry still.

4) this is my last super busy month for the school year youth ministry wise. I still have PSR and confirmation through the month of April, but it should be a bit more relaxed. At this point I'm pushing through to May 👊👐👏

5) I've never used emojis much in blogging so I don't know if they'll even show up.

6) the last several months whenever something really irks me at work, my mental image turns to flipping tables over. I've been flipping a whole lot of mental tables 🤷

7) I still have yet to dedicate as much time as I should to getting a car. We've been rocking the one car situation for more than a month. I do like extra time with Matt in the mornings.

February is here?! 7 quick takes

1. I found the money I'd lost that I spoke of in my last post. It was in the refrigerator at work. St. Anthony is weird.

2. I had two bad dreams a few nights ago. One was a full out nightmare that I talked through with my spiritual mentor. The other was work-going-wrong kind of dream. I'm still trying to process the nightmare. 1) During the nightmare I did a few things to test whether it was a dream or not, and I felt "pain," so I was convinced that I was awake. 2) I died in the dream. Yikes.

3. We had a night-before-the-wedding guys night at our house a couple nights ago. I didn't like intruding, but I also have no idea what to do on a Friday night by myself after 8pm. I didn't check movie times until 8/8:30, and by that time the next show times for The Greatest Showman and The Post were at 10:30 near us, which sounded daunting. So I went to our church chapel until 9:30pm, went to eat, had no idea what else to do or where to go, so I returned to the chapel and sat and read until the guys left around 12:30am.

4. Said wedding was the first I've attended with the Anglican Use. Super similar, more Thy and Thous.

5. I haven't physically seen our mice in about a month. At least one (which probably means a nestful) still lives in the lining of our guest bathroom tub. Every so often, you can hear them tapping on the lining, or even crawling through from one end to the other. The sound of fur rubbing on the ceramic is cringe-inducing.

6. Next year's school schedule for my work town is weird due to their expansion. They don't start till the week following Labor Day, they go through the end of May, fewer long weekends, and their spring break will only be a Thursday through Tuesday.

7. I didn't realize that it was the month of February, or at least it didn't sink in until the 3rd.

Resting in prayer

I stopped actively asking people to pray for my intentions a long while ago. After not seeing what you think is the biggest desire of your heart not seem to come to pass in a tangible way despite asking a lot of super holy people bombarding heaven with prayer... I don't know, I just tired of it. In real life that has translated to not as actively pursuing that desire because of the dread of the heartbreak and sorrow that accompanies each time I do get my hopes up, as well as a regression from personal prayer, at least of the formal, sit-down and focus variety.

And yet on Friday (yeah, my birthday, the day that's supposed to be like yeah, everything rocks, yeah!), I made a medium-large sizedish mistake. It was my own fault, I was careless in judgment, but as I was going about trying to figure out how to fix my mistake (still not resolved, please pray to St. Anthony for me), I realized I was walking around and praying a string of Hail Marys without realizing it. As much as I thought I had run away from prayer, I was shocked to find myself in a state of offering up my self-inflicted misery. And so I swallowed my pride and texted a friend to pray for my situation.

The thing is, we all of our struggles with personal prayer, but we can also tend to struggle in asking for prayer as well, and perseverance in asking for the same intention over... and over... and over again. Just like repetitive habitual venial sin and how much it weighs on us until we think if we confess it one more time the priest is sure to throw something at me, we think that if we ask for that intention one more time, our friend might seriously run for the hills.

Our recourse should be praying AND in resting in the prayer that others offer for us. And we should rejoice in the knowledge that God is using those prayers  and graces to heal the body of Christ where most needed, even if He deems that it is not my life needing it at the moment.  It's definitely a case of head knowledge becoming heart knowledge, and I don't think I'm there even halfway yet, but thank God for the gifts of faith and hope.

Finished!

I finished my 4weeks of slim4life! They tried to convince me that I still have 6weeks of "stabilization" (same foods but in larger quantities)... but no thanks, my bill says only the four weeks, so I called the center today and kindly said (for about the 5th time) that I'd only signed up for the initial four weeks and I was done thank you very much.

So how did it go?

1. I lost ten pounds!
2. I never went off plan as far as food was concerned.
3. The snacks were hit or miss on fitting all three in a day (mostly miss).
4. Same with all the pills. I struggle with the ones I'm already supposed to take, yet alone the five with each meal.
5. And I still struggle with water intake. Beverages/liquids as a whole are something that I've never really been able to do in great quantities. I did rediscover that carbonated drinks are SUPER overwhelming after not drinking them for a month.

Going forward, there are definitely food aspects that I can stick with, and I will continue to try to work on getting in water (80 oz though is a stretch). The pills and the snacks? Hard passes here. I will say that after those nasty snacks, I am less inclined to snack throughout the day, or at least double check myself when I'm bored and looking at the pantry. No, I don't have to eat all the holiday snacks at once... freedom! I do still deal with the temptation to skip meals though. I need to convince myself that even if it's a cup of fruit for breakfast or a veggie at lunch, it's good for my metabolism and avoiding unhealthy, filling suppers to have something for those meals.

Trudging through week 2

It's weird to already be halfway through week 2 of this diet thing.

Before I get started though, does anybody else feel like week 1 of Advent is taking forever?? Everybody's talking about how short Advent is and how stressed they are pre-Christmas, so maybe I'm just in denial over here. I've also considered that before the first week of Advent, (it seemed like) every Catholic was like, "Death to Christmas music starting already, you gotta Advent Advent Advent!" So maybe it's just that Advent has been drilled on social media much more?

ANYWHO

I haven't necessarily gone off diet at any point (though I did have some forbidden salad dressing at Applebee's yesterday, but I was so tired of the kitchen and needed a break and gosh darn it I couldn't get my allowed salad dressing container opened and I only barely dipped the leaves in the dressing I promise!). My struggles have been: 1) scheduling myself and eating enough throughout the day, 2) swallowing so many pills and 3) drinking enough water.


I have learned and relearned some food loves that have been my saving graces through this:
       Tilapia is my new fish best friend. For reals, it's so good.
       Olive oil is also my cooking best friend. Everything is getting cooked in olive oil here these days (you're supposed to have 2 tbsp of fats a day, so I cook in 2 tbsp of it).
       Corn tortillas, but not plain room temp...lightly fried in said olive oil. (My mice ate a nice sized bit through my corn tortillas...we're not on speaking terms)
       Turkey breast steaks cooked in (you guessed it)
       Cottage cheese. I liked it before but oh my goodness y'all. So good.
       For that matter, hard boiled eggs. There was a day that I didn't plan out my meal well enough for work (again with that whole scheduling and eating enough) so all I had for lunch that day was a cup of steamed broccoli (my coworkers loathed loved me!). All I had on my mind the rest of the day was those darned hard boiled eggs. I made Matt get himself something to eat so that I could feast on two hard boiled eggs when I got home that evening and it was glorious.
       I did make a weirdly wonderful concoction. It was one of those, welp, this is in the fridge, guess I'll make something of it, times. I am only allotted 6 eggs a week (men can have 9...luckies). I also needed to eat a veggie, and had chosen some spinach, but it was at that point where you start to notice the juices at the bottom and they start smelling extra spinach-y in the bag...so I made a two egg spinach scramble of sorts. It...was quite good!
       Salt-free jerk seasoning. Another cooking staple these days. I am supposed to have 1/2 tsp of "morton lite salt" a day, and besides that you can season with whatever that doesn't have salt in it. I use a lot of ground pepper, but I was needing...something else. I'm a spice wimp, but I decided to experiment with the jerk seasoning, and haven't turned back.

Also, I lost 5 pounds in the first week, so...that's something.

Cons AND pros... not just the cons ;-)

I felt like I should even the feedback I'm giving as I continue to document this process.

Pro: I really am more aware when I am craving, and am coming to enjoy the withholding, even when tired, moody, etc. I don't have to be under food's control and I'm learning that, yay!

Con: the worst part really does have to be these snack supplements. I was given the double chocolate bar, the hot chocolate and a strawberry kiwi drink mix to start things off. The bar tastes like you would expect a diet bar to taste like... chalky, bland. The hot chocolate I complained about yesterday, but it's sweetener also tasted weird. Today I went for the strawberry kiwi, hoping it would redeem the snack part of things for me, and I was sorely disappointed. It was so effervescent. It was flavored alka-seltzer to me, and I've always struggled with plain Alka Seltzer... flavored doesn't improve anything. I did dilute it with more water, which helped a bit. I really don't like how they expect you to have three of the above a day. Why can't it just be "use these IF you feel like you're going to snack"?

Pro: I am proud of my food prep so far. They have strict limitations on what can be mixed, and you can season things pretty liberally, as long as the salt content is low (you are given a salt expectation, given that water intake is upped to 80oz a day). I made a decent steak bits meal a couple of nights. The second night I tenderized it and put BBQ on Matt's, he said that improved it further. I grilled some chicken last night, which stayed more moist than when I pan-sear. In the midst of this full time job thing, I really had just given up. I had no energy to stand in front of a stove at the end of a long day and prepare a meal. I still don't think I'll get into ingredient- heavy meals as long as I am working full time, but this is proving to me that some simple meals are worth the effort.

Con: while I am using this blog to talk about this experience so far, I do not look forward to get togethers coming up where I will have to pick and choose specific dishes that meet the program requirements or not eat at all if nothing works.
However, this thought today did lead to a question I have which I'll be posing to the people with the program today: I really only want to lose 5-10 pounds with this program; my main goal remains to simply come to a better appreciation of food and to be ready and able to support Matt. When I get to that limit, I don't want to lose more, as I also don't want to weigh less than I should or create a bad habit for myself in the sense of not being happy with my body. I wonder if, when I reach my goal and it's earlier than the four week mark, if my plan will be modified, or if they'll just discontinue my plan earlier than expected?

Pro: I'll end on a pro to keep things upbeat. I *am* feeling better today. I still get hungry. I also need to work on my days off schedule. I tend to sleep in more, or at least get rolling with my day later, which threw off the food eating schedule a bit. I'm really eating more than I was before, but obviously better food choices. All in all, even though it's only a couple days in, I think the changes (minus dreaded packaged snacks) will be something I can continue with.

The whining continues

Hope y'all don't mind if I use this space as a little update place for me while changing food habits around here continues, cause today. was. rough. It started off with a nice morning of unsettled tummy, which super worried me due to, as alluded to in the last post, a not so nice tummy bug over Thanksgiving that swept through my in-laws like the plague, only to skip me. "Great," I thought, "the sickness is just now catching up with me." Except that the nausea was interlaced with a plain grumbly stomach.

Yeah, it didn't occur to me that 3-4 days into a diet/eating healthy foods and completely eliminating sugars and dairy from my diet (minus the starches and the 3x a week cottage cheese I'm allowed), my body would revolt. Yup. Wasn't exactly prepared for that. I called into work and spent the morning fighting headache, weird stomach, and plain fatigue.

It's good and a reminder of how pathetic my food choices have been if my body is revolting this much. In my Google search of "sick on day 4 of diet???", I did also read that how long your body revolts after a major diet change can also be affected by other considerations, including stress. I assume the more stressful your life is at the time, the longer your body may feel yuck. This too shall pass.

And can I just say, and continue to say, how awful tasting and stupid and aggggh aggravating protein drinks are?!?! For real people, even if you disguise it as hot chocolate, that stuff is the worst contribution of the corporate diet world. Make your food scientists work harder to disguise that chalky monstrosity!

I'm done :-)

Tackling food

Food and I have not had a good relationship in quite a long time. Some other factors have exacerbated it, but recently (past 6months) I have both ran from food (minimal meal planning, convenient food, not eating breakfast and often skipping lunch) while at the same time turning to it in the midst of stress (convenient food, sweets and carbs). It hasn't been pretty.

My energy is low, I don't feel healthy despite being at a "good" bmi. I know I don't need to lose weight, but I do need to gain control. And so, to do that and to be ready to support Matt in whatever program he ends up choosing as well, I got signed up for a program with slim4life.

I'm not excited. I'm on day two of "preparation." Day 1 did not go as it should have, as we were battling sicknesses and traveling back home from the holidays. I had no mental time to prepare myself. So today has been my pity party. There's no real recipes. You get a fruit for breakfast, a fruit for midday, a lunch of a meat, veggie, and starch, same for dinner. They throw in their own snacks and packaged drinks, which I also don't love... it's their money maker. I'll deal with it.

So I've had my good cry. Now I'm going to muddle through the next 4weeks. Praise God I'm starting when I am and will be able to partake in Christmas goodies. I guess this will be a built-in Advent penance. I hadn't thought of it that way until typing it out. But really, it's true that food has become both hindrance, fear, and idol. It both needs to be raised to a higher level of art and nutrition and lowered from being my coping mechanism.

Already yesterday, I could tell the times when I was yearning for warm, carby/sweet food. Early in the morning as a pick-me-up. Driving for three hours as a distraction. Arriving back as a reward and for "warmth." At the end of the day when I was tired and I wanted "comfort."

I do not intend to return to my old habits at the end of this. Yes, after 4 weeks I will once again partake in carbs and sweets. I will find balance. I will plan out better, balanced meals. I will try better ingredients. I do not want to go vegan, Paleo, whole 30, Atkins, or anything else. I simply want to be Eucharistic. Recognize the goodness of food, but keep it in its place. It is not something to run to or from. It is nourishment and gift.

Pray for me in this endeavor, maybe, pretty please?

Another Seven Quick Takes

1. I need to get landlord to seal/fix the fridge. It already hasn't been sealing well, but now it's not shutting well. At least it's not really *mine* to have to fix¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. Mouse number 3 just tried to make it's home in the piano, which I nixed REAL quickly. Currently it is barricaded behind the fridge with several sticky pads and a double mouse trap, gifted to me by the man who does the pest control for my work-parish. I'm hoping it takes the bait soon.

3. Headaches on my days off are obnoxious. I get a couple days a week to finally relax, I do not want to spend it trying to get rid of a migraine.

4.  In my ongoing project to clear out duplicate music files, I listened to my Hilary Duff music from the mid 2000s. A) I'm glad that was the extent of my moody/pop/preteen music craze because B) eesh, I thought it was soooo expressive and angsty. But it definitely wasn't...just slightly obnoxious. Although, I will never turn down a suggestion from anybody to watch the Lizzie McGuire Movie, because, come on. It's just too good to pass up. It is fun to be able to tell people she was my first concert (although I did go to Jim Brickman before her, but I still think of her as my first in terms of arena setting, light show, etc. type of concert).

5. Speaking of throw-backs, in one of those wonderful "remember these foods from the 90s and 00s" clickbait articles, I WAS reminded of Oreo Os and now would love to have some again. If crispy M&Ms can return, I'm hopeful. Also, does nobody else remember loving these gems (picture below)? I was explaining to Matt how my brother and I would get them all the time when we'd have dinner and card game nights at my grandparents:

6.  We didn't get around to watching a scary movie on Halloween, so we watched one the next evening instead. We watched The Watcher. I'll summarize so you don't have to ever see it (you're welcome). Couple moves into home. Wife is terrorized by visions, not sleeping well, mysterious notes, losing hair, etc. Basically has gone bats. Husband experiences it to a much lesser degree. Upon investigating, discovers that mystery neighbor lady has been lacing cookies and cupcakes with POISON and that's where all the creepy stuff in the movie has been coming from. She's also been poisoning her own son. They stop her. They think they've succeeded and have done a good thing. Turns out at the end that the SON HAS BEEN IN ON IT TOO and now he's under their care and the movie ENDS with you knowing and not knowing at the same time that the couple is still in danger and the newly adopted son may attack them at any time and we'll never know! I told Matt after the movie that I needed to watch something happy before going to bed. His version of happy is Stargate. Le sigh.

7. (I have made it through to #7 without a post about work and gosh darn it I am going to succeed...)

 (10 minutes of brainstorming later)

(I really need to get a life...)

I have no life...