Friday, October 25, 2013
Even when I'm fallen: Song recommendation XXXII
This song is very close to my heart in my prayer life right now.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Afterthoughts of TEC 138
Honestly, after a lack of sleep and so much happening since this past
Friday, a lot of the weekend is a blur now. I couldn't tell you the
order of the things we did even if I tried. I guess maybe possibly
there's some people reading this who might one day go on a TEC retreat,
so I won't give you tooooooo many details. But it was definitely one of
the hardest and most purifying weekends of my life.
I could see a lot of my personal defects getting in the way of being very present before the Sacrament and in serving the candidates. Wandering thoughts...asking TONS of questions about each task to get things right...interrupting stories by sharing my own thoughts. And as I began to realize this, I became super agitated. I just got so upset, because I wanted the weekend to be a focus on prayers for others, not getting over myself. It was frustrating.
But then came the Monday of the retreat, when we have a special time to build each other up. Since I had to work and leave the retreat early, they did this for me before I left. Once it started, I couldn't stop bawling. The theme of the entire time was that they all found peace around me, and virtue.
It was a real struggle and temptation to write it off...they weren't seeing it in me, they were seeing what they perceived to be me. As the day went on at work (complete with tired, blood-shot, tear stained eyes. For real, I looked like a mess), I reflected on how the Church doesn't teach depravity of the human person. Fallen, yes. Impossibly, hopelessly lost, no. Grace, yes. "Covered" by grace, no. Filled with grace, yes. If I was fallen this weekend, and yet others were built up in my presence, then it wasn't because Christ worked around me, but in some mysterious way Christ worked through me. If I was fallen, I was still in some way trying to say "yes" to being where Christ wanted me. In New Testament Greek, we learned that one Greek word for sin is "hamartia"..."missing the mark". In order to miss the mark, you had to at least be aiming and trying to hit the mark in the first place, and that is what God asks of us. God lets us go to learn to walk, to stumble, and wants us to get up to try again. We can't learn to walk without falling and figuring it out. Even though God knows we will fall, He's still right in front of us, guiding us...and His falls were burdened with the cross which we should be carrying.
There's a stanza from a currently popular Matt Maher song that reads: "Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more. Where grace is found is where You are. And where You are, Lord, I am free. Holiness is Christ in me." So so true. If we do not lose ourselves to our sins, and find hope in our trying instead, we discover grace making up for our deficiencies. Grace is God's life. God's life fills and sets free. Goodness comes from God. So while any goodness is God's work, I was at least an instrument. As Blessed Teresa of Calcutta observed,
I could see a lot of my personal defects getting in the way of being very present before the Sacrament and in serving the candidates. Wandering thoughts...asking TONS of questions about each task to get things right...interrupting stories by sharing my own thoughts. And as I began to realize this, I became super agitated. I just got so upset, because I wanted the weekend to be a focus on prayers for others, not getting over myself. It was frustrating.
But then came the Monday of the retreat, when we have a special time to build each other up. Since I had to work and leave the retreat early, they did this for me before I left. Once it started, I couldn't stop bawling. The theme of the entire time was that they all found peace around me, and virtue.
It was a real struggle and temptation to write it off...they weren't seeing it in me, they were seeing what they perceived to be me. As the day went on at work (complete with tired, blood-shot, tear stained eyes. For real, I looked like a mess), I reflected on how the Church doesn't teach depravity of the human person. Fallen, yes. Impossibly, hopelessly lost, no. Grace, yes. "Covered" by grace, no. Filled with grace, yes. If I was fallen this weekend, and yet others were built up in my presence, then it wasn't because Christ worked around me, but in some mysterious way Christ worked through me. If I was fallen, I was still in some way trying to say "yes" to being where Christ wanted me. In New Testament Greek, we learned that one Greek word for sin is "hamartia"..."missing the mark". In order to miss the mark, you had to at least be aiming and trying to hit the mark in the first place, and that is what God asks of us. God lets us go to learn to walk, to stumble, and wants us to get up to try again. We can't learn to walk without falling and figuring it out. Even though God knows we will fall, He's still right in front of us, guiding us...and His falls were burdened with the cross which we should be carrying.
There's a stanza from a currently popular Matt Maher song that reads: "Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more. Where grace is found is where You are. And where You are, Lord, I am free. Holiness is Christ in me." So so true. If we do not lose ourselves to our sins, and find hope in our trying instead, we discover grace making up for our deficiencies. Grace is God's life. God's life fills and sets free. Goodness comes from God. So while any goodness is God's work, I was at least an instrument. As Blessed Teresa of Calcutta observed,
"I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world."
Monday, October 7, 2013
TEC 138
This is dangerous, people. Dangerous. I should not be up this late, but I am. So I'll squeeze this in before I go to bed and before I have no more time this week.
First of all, Mary's awesome. I renewed my consecration with the intention of finding employment. I applied for a job on the last day of my reconsecration. The next day I was hired. It is such a blessing. I'm working at a Catholic art and gifts store. My first full time job!
I also have some crazy weekends coming up...next weekend I'll be working as Wheat Crew on a Teens Encounter Christ retreat, and the next weekend I'm traveling to Minnesota for a wedding. Oofta. I really think that this weekend's retreat is a good opportunity for me to be with God, close to His Heart, and thank Him for the blessings in my life and offer petitions of others. If you have anything you'd like me to offer up in prayer over the next week and in the course of the retreat, message me either here or privately. Being on Wheat Crew means I'll be in prayer and in Adoration...a lot. While the resource team give the talks and lead the candidates through the weekend, we pray the entire time. So if you could offer up prayers also for these candidates, that would be wonderful. Really and truly, thank you in advance for sending up some prayers. This week I'm going to be working, writing 50+ letters for the candidates/resource/fellow Wheat Crew, and being busy all around. Fun times. Pray for me too :-)
First of all, Mary's awesome. I renewed my consecration with the intention of finding employment. I applied for a job on the last day of my reconsecration. The next day I was hired. It is such a blessing. I'm working at a Catholic art and gifts store. My first full time job!
I also have some crazy weekends coming up...next weekend I'll be working as Wheat Crew on a Teens Encounter Christ retreat, and the next weekend I'm traveling to Minnesota for a wedding. Oofta. I really think that this weekend's retreat is a good opportunity for me to be with God, close to His Heart, and thank Him for the blessings in my life and offer petitions of others. If you have anything you'd like me to offer up in prayer over the next week and in the course of the retreat, message me either here or privately. Being on Wheat Crew means I'll be in prayer and in Adoration...a lot. While the resource team give the talks and lead the candidates through the weekend, we pray the entire time. So if you could offer up prayers also for these candidates, that would be wonderful. Really and truly, thank you in advance for sending up some prayers. This week I'm going to be working, writing 50+ letters for the candidates/resource/fellow Wheat Crew, and being busy all around. Fun times. Pray for me too :-)
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