What Do You Thirst?

Predictability. This was my answer that I experienced for that question from this Sunday’s Gospel. Father said that Jesus was engaging this woman in a conversation about what she truly desired, and that we are asked by Jesus, sometimes in a provoking way, what it is that we desire. Trust me, it is not what usually comes to my mind first when I think “desire”…I usually desire for a good grade, or for a good friend with whom to share my thoughts…not predictability. Ugh, how boring is that for a desire? But it’s true. I just want people, life, everything I encounter to be consistent. I want to wake up in the morning and know how my friends are going to react to my thoughts, how class will go, how work will turn out, and what projects are going to fill my day. I’m not sure if it is so much of a control thing…I mean, I’ve always been very adverse to change. I just want things to be constant. I think that is one thing I yearn for in Heaven. I look forward to eternity (hopefully in Heaven) because I know that I will forever more be in communion with and adoration of God.

Lately, though, I’ve hardly had predictability. It is hard to know what I’m going to experience from one hour to the next except for classes, and I do not know how friends are going to react to certain thoughts or situations. To be honest, it really disturbs my peace. My heart has been very restless since coming back from break, and I’ve even escaped campus to go to adoration (I cannot tell yet at this point whether I’m running away from my situation or running to God…).

The thing is, God does not work with predictability and consistency. He is not the “Still Water”, He is the Living Water. The words, “The love of Christ impels us,” are in my favorite Scripture verse. God will not let us remain the same. I guess I just do not trust that different can be better. Sarah Bauer says in a song, “In every single verse and line, I know it’s an unfinished rhyme. But when You keep writing my poetry, I’m closer each day to who I want to be. You are the Author of my life; You’re writing my stories and You are the Author of my life; long before ‘once upon a time’ began.” It’s difficult to let God touch every aspect of life. It is one thing if He touches on humility, or maybe obedience, but why, God, do you have to go around impacting my friendships or daily activities? Why will you not let them be? They were just fine before. This prayer from a song by Nichole Nordeman comes to mind a lot these days: “And I, I really want to know You. I want to make each day a different way that I can show You how I really want to love You. Be patient with my doubt; I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will, and I really want to know You still.”

The fact is, time passes and friendships change. Oooh change is so hard for me. I love me some consistency in life. Schedule, order, predictability. So when a day does not start out with my normal routine, or friendships suddenly are different…I really like to wrestle with God. I just want things back to normal. This lyric from FM Static fits my mood perfectly: “We've fallen apart somewhere back at the start, when we thought that we could fix each other by ourselves. Let's get back to the part when things aren't like they are and we were laughing on the last train home.” I would love for college to provide predictability, but it will not. Change…*deep breath*…it is is IS going to be ok.

They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love

Last night, I checked my email and discovered an email from Sister Amy Kristine that Father Barnett had passed away at 6:30am yesterday morning. It kind of...really got me thinking. I think this is one of the first deaths I'm not really struggling with (death usually is very hard for me). I think one of the main reasons is that I know how he received Anointing of the Sick a few times and was surrounded by prayer during his entire dying process. But I also think there's something deeper still about how this is affecting me.

At the recent FOCUS Bible study I went to, Claire said that everything in Scripture is there for a reason (we were going over the genealogy of Jesus, and she was assuring us that it's not in Scripture just to be a long list of names inserted randomly...there really is more to it for the audience), and it made me begin to see how life can be viewed in the same way. God places each circumstance in our life for a purpose on our journey in holiness. If I met somebody at a time different than the time God appointed, would my path to holiness be the same...? Anyways, so I really started thinking last night, why would God have let me spend time with Father Barnett while he was dying? I was only there for a week, he didn't know me, surely some family member or friend would've been better company during his dying days...why did God allow me to pray with him as he began to prepare for death? There were many times while I was praying with Father and holding his hand when he was in pain (holding the hand of a priest, the hand that consecrated bread and wine...woah. That was powerful.) where I began to ask that question...why has God brought me here? I think Father taught me more in his pain than any comfort I provided him. These are some of the conclusions I came to:

1) It was a wonderful reminder of being with my Grandma as she passed on. It really struck me how sharp witted each of them was until the end. They both followed along with the rosary so well, even when they could hardly speak. Father would even try to make the Sign of the Cross, even though he could only move his hand. Which leads me to the next point...
2) The power of the rosary was made so apparent to me. When I prayed it with him, Father's pain seemed to be at least more bearable. Mother Mary comforts her children very tenderly.
3) In the entirety of my visit at the Little Sisters, I realized just how overlooked the elderly can be. We are reminded so much of the corporal works of mercy like feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty that more uncomfortable works like visiting the imprisoned or elderly or giving shelter to the homeless are looked over. Just being with Father seemed to lessen his agitation. Even though I wasn't anybody that Father knew, being there with him and for him was enough. The Communion of Saints is so beautiful. I'm very glad I got to spend time with Father, and that there is another soul in Heaven, one that was blessed to enter Heaven on the Feast of St. Joseph.

Spring Break is almost done!

1. I am so excited to get back to school. Not that I don't love it here, with the residents and the Sisters...but I miss routine and all of school and its activities. Alright, alright, there is a bit of a hidden motive...I finally get to go home next weekend after 2 months of being away and I'm soooo excited. Can it be next weekend yet, please? I miss my mom and dad. A lot.

2. Speaking of family, I heard that my brother's doing fine and is heading home today (well, tomorrow where he is lol...oh time differences). They didn't feel the quake in Korea, at least not where he was. I'll be very excited to have my bro back in the States.

3. And (my thoughts keep following each other) speaking of time differences...Daylight Savings Time! :-D The only bad thing is that I'll be feeding a very tired Miss Betty and Miss Anna on Sunday morning.

4. I finally had my first silent meal with the Sisters yesterday. Ooh, that's tough. Well, sorta kinda. You know when you're in a quiet room and you make a loud noise by accident and it startles you and everybody else? It felt like that every time I would cut the fish or bite something crunchy...everything seems to be ten times louder when you're trying to be silent. During their silent meals the Sisters listen to tapes of homilies or teachings. Yesterdays was a reflection by a priest on the readings for this Sunday, which was a wonderful way to prepare for the first Sunday of Lent.

5. The name Chelsea was not very well thought through...poor older people can never tell how to pronounce it! Sister Amy pronounces it like Great Grandma Rausch used to say it...Shelsea. It's funny to tell one of the residents my name...they'll try to pronounce it three or four ways before they get to something close to what it is. I have a running list of all the cool ways to say my name...Shelsea, Jessie, Chelse-uh, or, my all time favorite, Chesle-uh. And there's even more. Like I said, it was not meant for the older generation...

More of Spring Break

1. Oh dear...definitely feeling the "umph" of spring break leaving me. So tired! Definitely needing some perseverance right now. I can't believe I've been here now for 6 whole days.

2. Hearing aid malfunctioning for half of Ash Wednesday Mass...*shudder*. Like nails on a chalkboard for 30 minutes.

3. Despite the tiredness, today was full of fun activities. I was introduced to baking and bowling. During the baking portion, the residents (all women, admittedly) stir up pre-measured bowls of ingredients, roll up the cookies, and then the pans are put in this portable oven, so it feels like their back to their former ways of baking in the kitchen. Then they sit and have the cookies they made, and the bowling set is set up. This was nifty. The pins were set up, and they were pretty sturdy, and a regular sized rubber bowling ball is set on a portable ramp, so that the person up to bowl simply has to have it aimed and push and whoosh, there it goes! I also accompanied a few residents to Redemptorist parish for a St. Patrick's Senior Ball. There was a jazz band playing, and a couple of Irish dancers, and the community college near there recruited some young gentlemen to dance with the ladies. You should've seen the women giggle when a young man asked them to dance ;-).

4. I had my first big blunders while feeding today...I let Betty try to sip her water on her own, usually she does ok, but she dropped the cup, and then Anna, who I was helping at the same time, knocked hers over with her elbow. On one hand it was messy, on the other hand I guess it was kind of coordinated...

5. I discovered a hoard of ice cream in the freezer here in the parlor I'm staying...guess who's a happy camper?!

"'It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God' (Hebrews 10:31). But it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Remember that whenever God calls you, He also strengthens you. Jesus' journey to Calvary may have been a lonely one, but our journey through Lent is not. Christ is with us every step of the way."

"I went downstairs and he had DIED...so I told her to tell the police that he had just passed out..."

1. The title is from a story that Sister Denise was telling us after supper (dinner here is lunch...I get so confused...). When she was in St. Louis a resident lady had a young man visiting her, and she called Sister Denise downstairs because she was worried about this young man...the man had died. Oh my goodness. So they called the police and Sister Denise told them he had just black out...I was shocked. The rest of the Sisters were in stitches laughing. Oh the humor of Sisters.

2. I finally got something cleared up for me today. The Sisters always refer to each other as "Sir Amy Kristine" and "Sr. Mary Catherine"...I thought they were just using "Sr". Nope. They spend their "second novitiate" in France, and in French the word for "sister" is "soeur", pronounced "sir". So now you know.

3. Father Barnett really went downhill today; he was in quite a bit of pain, even when they gave him medicine to deal with it (something slightly less powerful than morphine, from what Sister Amy told me). I said a rosary with him today and visited some of the other residents so that Sister Amy could go say her prayers, and he would squeeze my hand and then nap and then squeeze the bed rail and cry for help every few minutes. It really is painful to watch, and I'm sure he is suffering and sending up all those graces to poor souls. I hope to visit him more throughout the week, the rosary did seem to help some.

4. Today the residents had a Mardi Gras party. It was the cutest thing. I participated in the Pancake Race. We stood in two lines at each end facing each other, and had to be the first line to get through handing off our pancakes three times. The other side won...because Sister Denise cheated and, instead of putting the pancake on her other person's spatula, she traded their empty spatula for hers which had the pancake on it...oh the humor of Sisters ;-).

5. I think I've been assigned to help feed Betty full time. She does eat well for me. She's so personable, to the point where she thinks everybody talking is talking to her, so she'll talk back to them...which makes it hard to get her to focus on taking her food. Sometimes I'll murmur something to get her to look my way so I can get her to open her mouth to me. But tomorrow I'm being allowed a day of prayer and will be joining the Sisters for a dinner in silence, so I think I'm only helping with breakfast duty and with a craft activity tomorrow. We'll see...I just follow Sister Amy and let her point me where I need to be :-).

Check ya later, alligators!

P.S. If you can't reach me, A) there's no reception, and B) my cell is dying quickly because it's searching so hard for a signal.

Spring Break Events...thus far.

1. I can now say I've lived in a room in a nursing home...hospital bed and all. It was a nice experience while it lasted. Now I'm in the "parlor" near the entrance of the nursing home. Bedroom, sitting room, kitchen, living room...all to myself. And an internet connection I can finally get!

2. Feeding the elderly...oh my gosh, fills me with love and laughter and bittersweetness all at once. I'm finally getting names down. Doris is skittish and thinks something is wrong...all the time. Father Barnett likes to pull the wool over Sister Amy's eyes to make her think he doesn't know what's going on, but then he looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and winks...tehehehe. Jane won't eat unless I've told her about 20 times that I've already eaten or I'm going to eat. And she only likes finger foods. Sister Benedict likes hearing about the life of St. Jeanne Jugan...but she's hard of hearing, so I had to shout the book at her. And bowling with a plastic coconut and pineapple set is pretty much hilarious.

3. I could listen to Reverend Mother talk all day long. She has the most luxurious Irish accent. And she has a heart of gold. She helps feed people sometimes at the same table as me, and she just has a way...hehe like when she helped Mae today and Mae would say in protest, "No, I don't want any more!" and Mother would say in her pleading voice, "Oh, Maaae..." and before Mae could protest, she had another fork of lunch meat in her mouth.

4. At Father McCormack's jubilee Mass, I sat near a Nigerian priest/bishop/something...yup. His accent too...I'm such a sucker for accents!

5. Nights in a room in a nursing home is horrible for young 'uns...both my neighbors were hard of hearing, so they'd crank up the volume late at night when they were watching TV. Oy.

Check back throughout the week for my updates!