Finished!

I finished my 4weeks of slim4life! They tried to convince me that I still have 6weeks of "stabilization" (same foods but in larger quantities)... but no thanks, my bill says only the four weeks, so I called the center today and kindly said (for about the 5th time) that I'd only signed up for the initial four weeks and I was done thank you very much.

So how did it go?

1. I lost ten pounds!
2. I never went off plan as far as food was concerned.
3. The snacks were hit or miss on fitting all three in a day (mostly miss).
4. Same with all the pills. I struggle with the ones I'm already supposed to take, yet alone the five with each meal.
5. And I still struggle with water intake. Beverages/liquids as a whole are something that I've never really been able to do in great quantities. I did rediscover that carbonated drinks are SUPER overwhelming after not drinking them for a month.

Going forward, there are definitely food aspects that I can stick with, and I will continue to try to work on getting in water (80 oz though is a stretch). The pills and the snacks? Hard passes here. I will say that after those nasty snacks, I am less inclined to snack throughout the day, or at least double check myself when I'm bored and looking at the pantry. No, I don't have to eat all the holiday snacks at once... freedom! I do still deal with the temptation to skip meals though. I need to convince myself that even if it's a cup of fruit for breakfast or a veggie at lunch, it's good for my metabolism and avoiding unhealthy, filling suppers to have something for those meals.

Trudging through week 2

It's weird to already be halfway through week 2 of this diet thing.

Before I get started though, does anybody else feel like week 1 of Advent is taking forever?? Everybody's talking about how short Advent is and how stressed they are pre-Christmas, so maybe I'm just in denial over here. I've also considered that before the first week of Advent, (it seemed like) every Catholic was like, "Death to Christmas music starting already, you gotta Advent Advent Advent!" So maybe it's just that Advent has been drilled on social media much more?

ANYWHO

I haven't necessarily gone off diet at any point (though I did have some forbidden salad dressing at Applebee's yesterday, but I was so tired of the kitchen and needed a break and gosh darn it I couldn't get my allowed salad dressing container opened and I only barely dipped the leaves in the dressing I promise!). My struggles have been: 1) scheduling myself and eating enough throughout the day, 2) swallowing so many pills and 3) drinking enough water.


I have learned and relearned some food loves that have been my saving graces through this:
       Tilapia is my new fish best friend. For reals, it's so good.
       Olive oil is also my cooking best friend. Everything is getting cooked in olive oil here these days (you're supposed to have 2 tbsp of fats a day, so I cook in 2 tbsp of it).
       Corn tortillas, but not plain room temp...lightly fried in said olive oil. (My mice ate a nice sized bit through my corn tortillas...we're not on speaking terms)
       Turkey breast steaks cooked in (you guessed it)
       Cottage cheese. I liked it before but oh my goodness y'all. So good.
       For that matter, hard boiled eggs. There was a day that I didn't plan out my meal well enough for work (again with that whole scheduling and eating enough) so all I had for lunch that day was a cup of steamed broccoli (my coworkers loathed loved me!). All I had on my mind the rest of the day was those darned hard boiled eggs. I made Matt get himself something to eat so that I could feast on two hard boiled eggs when I got home that evening and it was glorious.
       I did make a weirdly wonderful concoction. It was one of those, welp, this is in the fridge, guess I'll make something of it, times. I am only allotted 6 eggs a week (men can have 9...luckies). I also needed to eat a veggie, and had chosen some spinach, but it was at that point where you start to notice the juices at the bottom and they start smelling extra spinach-y in the bag...so I made a two egg spinach scramble of sorts. It...was quite good!
       Salt-free jerk seasoning. Another cooking staple these days. I am supposed to have 1/2 tsp of "morton lite salt" a day, and besides that you can season with whatever that doesn't have salt in it. I use a lot of ground pepper, but I was needing...something else. I'm a spice wimp, but I decided to experiment with the jerk seasoning, and haven't turned back.

Also, I lost 5 pounds in the first week, so...that's something.

Cons AND pros... not just the cons ;-)

I felt like I should even the feedback I'm giving as I continue to document this process.

Pro: I really am more aware when I am craving, and am coming to enjoy the withholding, even when tired, moody, etc. I don't have to be under food's control and I'm learning that, yay!

Con: the worst part really does have to be these snack supplements. I was given the double chocolate bar, the hot chocolate and a strawberry kiwi drink mix to start things off. The bar tastes like you would expect a diet bar to taste like... chalky, bland. The hot chocolate I complained about yesterday, but it's sweetener also tasted weird. Today I went for the strawberry kiwi, hoping it would redeem the snack part of things for me, and I was sorely disappointed. It was so effervescent. It was flavored alka-seltzer to me, and I've always struggled with plain Alka Seltzer... flavored doesn't improve anything. I did dilute it with more water, which helped a bit. I really don't like how they expect you to have three of the above a day. Why can't it just be "use these IF you feel like you're going to snack"?

Pro: I am proud of my food prep so far. They have strict limitations on what can be mixed, and you can season things pretty liberally, as long as the salt content is low (you are given a salt expectation, given that water intake is upped to 80oz a day). I made a decent steak bits meal a couple of nights. The second night I tenderized it and put BBQ on Matt's, he said that improved it further. I grilled some chicken last night, which stayed more moist than when I pan-sear. In the midst of this full time job thing, I really had just given up. I had no energy to stand in front of a stove at the end of a long day and prepare a meal. I still don't think I'll get into ingredient- heavy meals as long as I am working full time, but this is proving to me that some simple meals are worth the effort.

Con: while I am using this blog to talk about this experience so far, I do not look forward to get togethers coming up where I will have to pick and choose specific dishes that meet the program requirements or not eat at all if nothing works.
However, this thought today did lead to a question I have which I'll be posing to the people with the program today: I really only want to lose 5-10 pounds with this program; my main goal remains to simply come to a better appreciation of food and to be ready and able to support Matt. When I get to that limit, I don't want to lose more, as I also don't want to weigh less than I should or create a bad habit for myself in the sense of not being happy with my body. I wonder if, when I reach my goal and it's earlier than the four week mark, if my plan will be modified, or if they'll just discontinue my plan earlier than expected?

Pro: I'll end on a pro to keep things upbeat. I *am* feeling better today. I still get hungry. I also need to work on my days off schedule. I tend to sleep in more, or at least get rolling with my day later, which threw off the food eating schedule a bit. I'm really eating more than I was before, but obviously better food choices. All in all, even though it's only a couple days in, I think the changes (minus dreaded packaged snacks) will be something I can continue with.

The whining continues

Hope y'all don't mind if I use this space as a little update place for me while changing food habits around here continues, cause today. was. rough. It started off with a nice morning of unsettled tummy, which super worried me due to, as alluded to in the last post, a not so nice tummy bug over Thanksgiving that swept through my in-laws like the plague, only to skip me. "Great," I thought, "the sickness is just now catching up with me." Except that the nausea was interlaced with a plain grumbly stomach.

Yeah, it didn't occur to me that 3-4 days into a diet/eating healthy foods and completely eliminating sugars and dairy from my diet (minus the starches and the 3x a week cottage cheese I'm allowed), my body would revolt. Yup. Wasn't exactly prepared for that. I called into work and spent the morning fighting headache, weird stomach, and plain fatigue.

It's good and a reminder of how pathetic my food choices have been if my body is revolting this much. In my Google search of "sick on day 4 of diet???", I did also read that how long your body revolts after a major diet change can also be affected by other considerations, including stress. I assume the more stressful your life is at the time, the longer your body may feel yuck. This too shall pass.

And can I just say, and continue to say, how awful tasting and stupid and aggggh aggravating protein drinks are?!?! For real people, even if you disguise it as hot chocolate, that stuff is the worst contribution of the corporate diet world. Make your food scientists work harder to disguise that chalky monstrosity!

I'm done :-)

Tackling food

Food and I have not had a good relationship in quite a long time. Some other factors have exacerbated it, but recently (past 6months) I have both ran from food (minimal meal planning, convenient food, not eating breakfast and often skipping lunch) while at the same time turning to it in the midst of stress (convenient food, sweets and carbs). It hasn't been pretty.

My energy is low, I don't feel healthy despite being at a "good" bmi. I know I don't need to lose weight, but I do need to gain control. And so, to do that and to be ready to support Matt in whatever program he ends up choosing as well, I got signed up for a program with slim4life.

I'm not excited. I'm on day two of "preparation." Day 1 did not go as it should have, as we were battling sicknesses and traveling back home from the holidays. I had no mental time to prepare myself. So today has been my pity party. There's no real recipes. You get a fruit for breakfast, a fruit for midday, a lunch of a meat, veggie, and starch, same for dinner. They throw in their own snacks and packaged drinks, which I also don't love... it's their money maker. I'll deal with it.

So I've had my good cry. Now I'm going to muddle through the next 4weeks. Praise God I'm starting when I am and will be able to partake in Christmas goodies. I guess this will be a built-in Advent penance. I hadn't thought of it that way until typing it out. But really, it's true that food has become both hindrance, fear, and idol. It both needs to be raised to a higher level of art and nutrition and lowered from being my coping mechanism.

Already yesterday, I could tell the times when I was yearning for warm, carby/sweet food. Early in the morning as a pick-me-up. Driving for three hours as a distraction. Arriving back as a reward and for "warmth." At the end of the day when I was tired and I wanted "comfort."

I do not intend to return to my old habits at the end of this. Yes, after 4 weeks I will once again partake in carbs and sweets. I will find balance. I will plan out better, balanced meals. I will try better ingredients. I do not want to go vegan, Paleo, whole 30, Atkins, or anything else. I simply want to be Eucharistic. Recognize the goodness of food, but keep it in its place. It is not something to run to or from. It is nourishment and gift.

Pray for me in this endeavor, maybe, pretty please?

Another Seven Quick Takes

1. I need to get landlord to seal/fix the fridge. It already hasn't been sealing well, but now it's not shutting well. At least it's not really *mine* to have to fix¯\_(ツ)_/¯

2. Mouse number 3 just tried to make it's home in the piano, which I nixed REAL quickly. Currently it is barricaded behind the fridge with several sticky pads and a double mouse trap, gifted to me by the man who does the pest control for my work-parish. I'm hoping it takes the bait soon.

3. Headaches on my days off are obnoxious. I get a couple days a week to finally relax, I do not want to spend it trying to get rid of a migraine.

4.  In my ongoing project to clear out duplicate music files, I listened to my Hilary Duff music from the mid 2000s. A) I'm glad that was the extent of my moody/pop/preteen music craze because B) eesh, I thought it was soooo expressive and angsty. But it definitely wasn't...just slightly obnoxious. Although, I will never turn down a suggestion from anybody to watch the Lizzie McGuire Movie, because, come on. It's just too good to pass up. It is fun to be able to tell people she was my first concert (although I did go to Jim Brickman before her, but I still think of her as my first in terms of arena setting, light show, etc. type of concert).

5. Speaking of throw-backs, in one of those wonderful "remember these foods from the 90s and 00s" clickbait articles, I WAS reminded of Oreo Os and now would love to have some again. If crispy M&Ms can return, I'm hopeful. Also, does nobody else remember loving these gems (picture below)? I was explaining to Matt how my brother and I would get them all the time when we'd have dinner and card game nights at my grandparents:

6.  We didn't get around to watching a scary movie on Halloween, so we watched one the next evening instead. We watched The Watcher. I'll summarize so you don't have to ever see it (you're welcome). Couple moves into home. Wife is terrorized by visions, not sleeping well, mysterious notes, losing hair, etc. Basically has gone bats. Husband experiences it to a much lesser degree. Upon investigating, discovers that mystery neighbor lady has been lacing cookies and cupcakes with POISON and that's where all the creepy stuff in the movie has been coming from. She's also been poisoning her own son. They stop her. They think they've succeeded and have done a good thing. Turns out at the end that the SON HAS BEEN IN ON IT TOO and now he's under their care and the movie ENDS with you knowing and not knowing at the same time that the couple is still in danger and the newly adopted son may attack them at any time and we'll never know! I told Matt after the movie that I needed to watch something happy before going to bed. His version of happy is Stargate. Le sigh.

7. (I have made it through to #7 without a post about work and gosh darn it I am going to succeed...)

 (10 minutes of brainstorming later)

(I really need to get a life...)

I have no life...

Seven Quick Takes

1. I have a big fundraiser coming up on Sunday for the youth ministry I work with. It's a Chiefs tailgate. I already have a new on-going fundraiser, but when I scheduled this tailgate fundraiser, I had in mind that the proceeds would go toward kids attending NCYC. I have no kids attending NCYC (unless someone suddenly decides to sign up before October 20th lolz), so I will spread out these proceeds to other needed areas, most likely some speakers in the spring.

2. I do not like how much energy big projects, such as number 1, sap out of me. And just when I finish one big project, there will be another one. I would like a 2-3 month stretch of work where I can just focus on ministry. That's the dream. Energy is also taken away from at-home projects and good leisure because when I'm at home, the last thing on my mind is to dedicate energy to something else, even if it would end up helping me relax. Again, it would be nice to have a break at work so that I can commit myself to small projects at home as well.

--To go off of Points 1 and 2 on a tangent here, I am considering how to cut back next school year already. I thought I'd been good about cutting back on work engagements this year, but it's just still overwhelming...not necessarily even because I'm overbooked, but because I'm offering so much that so few people are taking advantage of. People want and demand so much, but I quite truly only have so much time to give based on my work hours. The majority of the families just don't know that my work hours are 20 "secretary" hours and 10 "youth ministry (including PSR AND youth group)" hours. If I truly worked according to those hours, we would not be doing nearly as much as we're doing right now. And it's not fair to Matt/my mental and even physical health to be stressing the way I have been for the past 6 months. Change is in order. My current thought process is, rather than every 2 week meetings, to have once-a-quarter retreat half-days. Confirmation kids would need to attend 2-3 of them. We would still do trips, and I may consider keeping up with leadership meetings (which I just implemented this year). To replace the more-constant meetings, I would like instead to take a year to spend "one-on-one" time with each individual family to ask them their vision for the youth ministry at the parish, and THEN to develop the program from there. Still a thought-in-progress.

3. In the far off (a year out) future, my mom and I will be attending a Shania Twain concert in Kansas City. It's basically our 90s dream come true.

4. Some days all I want to do is watch baby videos. Some days the very glimpse of a baby makes me fight back tears. What gives?

5. Favorite articles and more today:
https://radio.foxnews.com/2017/10/12/man-leads-police-on-chase-to-cross-it-off-his-bucket-list/
https://www.instagram.com/p/BaB9M0olC3e/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ay5iEzHafeQ

6. I may have overestimated whether I have 7 points...Let's see...
Ah, I know. My Goddaughter just turned 11 at the end of September. I know she turned 11, but I was texting someone about the requirements/expectations of Godparents today, and it really hit me that she's 11. Almost a teenager. Which means her baptism was already 9 years ago (she was a little bit older because it was an adoption situation). Which means I was 17 years old. HoLy SmOkEs.

7. I've been craving milk a LOT lately (no, def not a preggo thing). Not even chocolate milk, which I love, but just plain white milk. I think it's that it's a nice mix of being cold and sweet-but-not-too-sweet. But in the midst of my brain-fog in getting ready for this Chiefs tailgate, I keep forgetting to pick it up! Grrrrrr. Really, though, I am craving it right now. At midnight. *sigh*

Prayer as Activity

Prayer is not inaction. Prayer is not sitting back and watching everyone else do good deeds. Prayer is not useless. Prayer is not meaningless. Prayer is not ineffective. Prayer is not dependent on our own goodness. Prayer is not dependent on the opinion of those who think it is useless.

Prayer does spur us on to action. Prayer does make our action more effective. Prayer does raise our action to God. Prayer makes us more aware of the good we need to do. Prayer does impel us to make effective political and social change. Prayer is action. Prayer is the highest action. Prayer is loving.

So as you pray for Las Vegas, Florida, Texas, Sandy Hook, Paris, southeast Asia, Montana, Oklahoma, Dallas, Orlando, any other hashtags, cities, or people that/who I am forgetting, let prayer be your starting and ending point. Do not let those who do not believe in prayer or God stop you from prayer. They are hurting and raw and betrayed and frustrated and rightly so. They may simply not need to know that we are praying, and that's ok. They'll come to know. Prayerfully donate blood, food, water, medical supplies, money, and any other needed resources. Prayerfully vote for politicians in local and national elections who will unwaveringly establish needed changes. Pray. It doesn't need a hashtag to work. You don't need to announce it if you don't want to. You can do it in a prayer vigil, at Mass, with your family, or as you reflect on your own. Just do it.

Lord have mercy on us.

Uncomfortably without an opinion

Do you get to not have an opinion on the whole NFL flag/stand/kneel/Trump/protest deal going on?

Because holy smokes people. It's everywhere and once again everyone has an expert opinion.

I don't know if there's a right answer to this question. Maybe there's no way to not have an opinion on this because you're either with Black Lives Matter and against injustice towards poc...or you're not. OR maybe it's that you're either with veterans and those who are currently serving and those who have lost their lives for your rights...or you're not.

Or maybe, just maybe, you don't have to have a set opinion and you see the complicated mess of inequality and human sin that has led to this battle of words and symbols.

But what you do have to be is uncomfortable. I think, in that, we don't have a choice. No one can comfortably stay on the outside of institutionalized racism and blatant brutality. No one can comfortably stay on the outside when (good) core ideals of America are attacked.

One can navigate the opinions and learn from each side. One cannot stand by as sins of commission and omission tear apart the Body of Christ.

My FAVE Seven Things about House-Renting

It may just be the two of us, but we have been ready for a bit more space for a while. After briefly thinking of buying and nixing that in the bud, we decided to start searching for house-renting options at the beginning of August. It's been a whirlwind of briefly touring (explained below), signing, moving, and organizing, and still very much a work in progress (which is why you will NOT see pics until I feel better about the organization!), but these are my top 7 parts of house-renting so far.

7. Having a Yard
       We haven't had time to put it to much use yet, but we have a yard! The property has trees in the back that has a pond back behind it, so I am going to have to put in some plants to ward off mosquitoes, because holy smokes the mosquitoes! They are relentless!

6. Less Neighborhood Noise
       I'll admit that I also miss this a little, but at our apartment, the neighborhood kids played outside a lot together. Which is good and I don't blame them at all, I'd much rather have them playing outside and getting into mischief together than sitting inside all day, but there were days when I had migraines and it took some effort to not yell out for a little peace.

5. Space for Parking
       We do not have a garage, but we do have a driveway "all our own" (it feels all our own, despite the renting situation). 

4. Space for Everything EVERYWHERE
       It's amazing how creative you get with space and storing things in an apartment. Now that I'm spreading things out throughout the house, it's amazing that this was in our two-bedroom apartment. I'm super excited for a pantry area we have near our kitchen, as well as several built in shelves and drawers that the house has. Our master bedroom also has a walk-in closet (that *might* have been a nice selling point for me) and it's own bathroom. So. Much. Space.

3. My Own "Office"
       As I mentioned, ours was a two-bedroom, and this house has four bedrooms to utilize! At the apartment, we used the extra bedroom as Matt's office (technology is an expensive hobby and takes up so much space...soooo many cables and whatsits and do-dads)/storage. Now Matt still has an office, and we're using another bedroom as a guest bedroom when family/friends come into town, and I get my own office space! I really didn't get to have a space to myself to work on genealogy/crafts/music/work/puzzles...I'd use a fold up table in Matt's office, and I had a desk in our living room at the apartment, but it was all very in-transition still. Now I'll get to have all my hobby items in one room to work on. Glorious!

2. Did I mention there are 4 rooms??!
       It's. So. Nice. And our living room is spacious; we intend to set up our prayer corner soon, we will be investing in a fold-up treadmill for the space as well, and it may work out for my parents to bring up my piano!!! 

1. Housekeeping-Nerd Alert...
       My favorite part of having a house just arrived today...our new (also rented) washer and dryer! At the apartment, I had a stacked unit, and it was "eco-friendly," meaning the cold water didn't get as cold as a regular washer, and the hot water didn't get as hot, and the dryer didn't dry at as high of a temp. Which meant I was running the dryer twice anyways just to get clothes dry. So much for eco-friendly. Now I have them separated out, and there is so. much. space! What would usually take me 6-7 loads over 2-3 days, I have just finished in 4 loads in the span of an evening! What have I been missing out on all this time?!

Stay tuned for a house tour that I'll try to record in the near future as our rooms come together :-)

Can it be too soon to forgive?

"Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace."

We all have been watching the news. We have watched the divisions. We've seen the catchphrases..."#cville"..."condemn violence"..."condemn racism"...

It seems there is a lot of condemnation being thrown around. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of just anger around the events of the weekend. Many of the expressions of denunciation also stem from wanting to create distance between "them" and "me"... I am white, my sincerest apologies, but I am not racist, I do not stand with them, please do not associate us together, please please please... There is a need to be seen as innocent, to have our hands washed clean.

This speaks to the reality that humanity is fallen. There is no us versus them when it comes to concupiscence. We all fall short. And yet, when we see others act so...inhumanely...we try to convince ourselves, and our peers, that I would never act that way... right?

We have all been eager to condemn and distance ourselves from the uncomfortable realities of pride, jealousy, rage, and fear. I have yet to see many messages of mercy. (To be fair, there have been some amazingly awesome thought-provoking blogs and articles including this and this.)

I wince even writing it, because there is an uncomfortable thought lurking that the only reason I can offer mercy is that I am not the people oppressed. That it is my white privilege to be able to forgive because I am not the one having to argue that my life matters. There is no persecution of my own that could measure to the systematic aggression toward people who look different than I, at least in my country. I am left to squirm and feel uncomfortable with this privilege...who am I to offer mercy?

God's grace is bigger than our opinions. Or prejudices. Or political parties. Or hang-ups. "Left" or "right," you're fallen and you need it. Along with the condemnation, there have been accompanying prayers for peace... the peace we need is that mercy and forgiveness are available to all. That is our unity. There is just condemnation of political and philosophical ideologies which speak lies about human worth and dignity. Those battles are worth fighting. To the individual, though, we must have the courage (and it does take uncomfortable, cringe-worthy, do-you-realize-who-you're-talking-to-and-what-they've-done?! courage) to give the Good News of God's ready mercy and grace. Because He does not take pause, as I do. He is the Father who runs vulnerably with arms open wide, without a second thought about "is it too soon?"

Never.

"I experienced God today...it pretty much ruined me."

I have been in love with the both/and aspects of faith ever since it was really first explained to me during my theology classes at Rockhurst. The fact that faith...God...can be so multifaceted and it all can make sense together...really is something that I've tried to take note of as I've progressed in my faith walk.

One of my good friends captures the sentiment well whenever she talks of something good and wholesome she's experienced, and as she's describing it, she will say, "Yes, it ruined me."

Wait, what? That doesn't sound so good. What are you saying? Are you ok? Should I be avoiding that?

And yet it's true. That perfect memory of a beautiful sunset, the perfect moment of being proposed to, that epic night in Adoration...those pure and beautiful things ruin you for good.

Is ruin too strong of a word or the wrong word? One definition of the verb I found was: "reduce...to a state of decay, collapse, or disintegration." Does God wish for our destruction? Of course not. He wants us whole. But that does mean that we have to let go of certain idols and bad habits and sins in order to find wholeness in Him. When a perfect moment ruins me for good, my walls come crashing down. My pride is attacked and I rediscover my smallness before my Creator. 

 This was the sentiment I experienced today as I had my monthly meeting with my spiritual mentor. She has me try to look for faith patterns or themes that pop up during the month between our visit to see how the Spirit is speaking through prayer. This month was easy, as I've been reading a psychology book on shame and vulnerability and was struggling with the theological repercussions of the topics. Then, as I described the past month's events in my life, my mentor was showing me where shame was rearing its head...where God was calling me into vulnerability in relationships and my work projects.

It was good. And it was awful.

Why does beauty hurt? A simple, theological explanation of beauty is that God is beautiful, much as we would say that God is Love. What does it mean that God should be beautiful? Once again, beauty is something so inward, so much a part of our identities as having human dignity, it isn't just something that we touch, it's something that we are. The "both/and" here is that beauty is both near and far. Beauty is beyond our grasp, it takes us out of ourselves, it awakens a yearning to chase after it and reach for it and try to contain it so badly. 

Beauty reminds us of our finite-ness, and so it scares us. To be human means to have a finite life here on earth and have a true, biological death. If we were to live forever, or merely exist as might a rock, then we would no longer be human. What is on the other side of death, and our hope is that it is Heaven, is beyond us still. We want to reach for it, and yet we fear the unknown. That is beauty. It is the awakening of the longing for beatitude...for God.

As I applied the lessons of vulnerability to my life, I was shocked by how the Spirit was speaking through these little experiences (and thank God for spiritual mentors who can pry those experiences apart to help you see things as you hadn't yet before). The beauty of the Spirit's movements were overwhelming and frightened me from the implications of what I needed to do going forward. That experience with beauty colored the rest of my day. I went for some bubble tea and found a nook in which to read. I went to Confession. I cuddled a friend's baby. All because I had the opportunity to embrace beauty (or beauty embraced me) and let it lead me for the rest of the day. If I am careful to follow the Spirit's promptings, I can choose to be led by beauty always going forward.

That is the choice put to all of us. Beauty is scary. God ruins us. Will we dare to enter in?

Unpopular Opinion: Guardians of the Galaxy 2

**Spoiler Alert** For those who haven't seen the movie and want to keep details a surprise, stop here...I can't promise I won't give away too much.

I observed a few Catholic articles a few weeks back when Guardians of the Galaxy 2 hit theaters. Interesting enough, most of them were fairly positive.

Guardians 2 follows the group as they keep bugging each other. They find themselves on the run, and Quill has a chance to learn about his long-lost father, who intercepts them. Here the story line splits in two. Part of the group is on the run from the people that Rocket stole from during their latest gig and get abducted, while the other part of the group follows Quill and his father Ego (I will say, that was a fitting name choice) to Ego's home planet. Everything starts to unravel when Quill realizes that Ego is using Quill for his own devices to take over the universe. The whole group is reunited to defeat Ego.

The articles I read pointed out the family aspect of the movie. Indeed, the point is raised over and over that the misfits have created their own unique bonds, which is supposed to be evident by the way they annoy each other yet still defend each other. Family extends beyond blood relationship, and Quill leans on his adopted family of friends when his "biological" father turns out to be power hungry enough to destroy his own son in order to gain more planets.

So here's my maybe unpopular opinion: I did not care for the movie. Now I am all for Catholics interacting with media and calling out the good and bad themes... shoot, I watched 13 Reasons Why, which morally speaking was probably 10 times worse. However, in story-telling, 13 Reasons Why was 10 times better. Why?

Overall the plot of Guardians 2 was decent and did have that family aspect. Really, they could have made it very successfully and really had strong material to work with... it's Marvel, after all. I just didn't understand then why the writers felt the need to fit in sexual innuendo, body anatomy jokes, and women-shaming. Really, the fact that they resorted to such low humor makes me wonder why they didn't think they could rely on the strength of their A-list celebrities/lovable characters to carry the story.

A big part of my annoyance with the crude humor was that they market the movie as a family movie. The level of humor was not "potty humor" you might expect from an immature child flick. No, it was rom-com/adult humor fit into a movie that young kids were watching. I was blushing next to my husband and he was squirming in his seat. I pity the parents in the crowd. Maybe it's prudish of me, but it was extremely unnecessary.

The other big part of my annoyance was the women-shaming (or rather maybe emotion-shaming?) story device. This came up in the relationship between the ever dry and stoic character of Drax and the new character of the naive and slavish Mantis. The relationship borders on romantic except that both characters struggle with bonding emotionally, despite Mantis' ability to "read" other people's emotions. That's comic enough, but then the majority of their interactions involve Drax completely amplifying all of her "negative" aspects (you're so ugly, I only like you because I pity you), and the naive Mantis accepting them (yes, you're right, I'm very ugly). Again, I realize that this is supposed to be a comic device... the "humor" is that Drax is blind to his degrading comments, and the actress who plays Mantis/Mantis herself is gorgeous. But when young, impressionable girls are watching with their families and observing a lead female character accept, even welcome degrading comments... come on.  This is why I'm excited to see Wonder Woman.

So no, I was not impressed with Guardians 2, and despite the couple of maybe morally praiseworthy themes, they were sorely overshadowed by awful story-telling. However, if you have other thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Woof.

Why yes, blogger world, I do happen to be around still!

My extended blogging break was...many reasons. I simply did not get on the computer a lot after work days. I have found a blogger app for my phone, but the thought of blogging on a smaller screen seems tedious, so I haven't attempted it yet. I had so much and so little to blog about at the same time. So much is the same...work, health, life...but so much within those can vary that it's hard to keep up. I really haven't done that much with Facebook either, so my blog is not alone in being neglected. Although, I have done a little more with Instagram, despite not being very keen on taking lots of pictures.

And how do I go about updating you after such a prolonged absence? I suppose I shall keep this simple with a 7 point post:

1. February: I had a youth group meeting on an introduction to Theology of the Body. A new-ish couple to the parish where I work came in to give the talk...I don't always like being the one speaking to the teens. They'd get bored of me in a heart beat haha. The content was great, but the kids who came were the "regulars" and knew the material well enough at a high-school level. I would like to try again someday with a more diverse group.

2. March: March was the month of retreats. The first weekend was a retreat at my work-parish that I hosted for the first time. It was a retreat organized by a group of local youth ministers that get together to plan biggish events. This was a mission day for grades 6-8 to spread out to different service sites for the day. There were a lot of hiccups along the planning process, but the day itself was still pretty decent. Later that month was another small retreat with the same group of parishes, this time for grades 9-12. The latter retreat was a guy/girl split retreat, and Matt was awesome enough to volunteer to help with the men's side, while I helped another couple of women lead the girls' side. Again, some hiccups in planning, but all turned out well in the end. Also this month, a dear nephew was confirmed and I was humbled to sponsor him. Yay sacramental graces!

3. April: I hosted my very first holiday! My parents were gracious and came up to see us for the weekend, as we've been travelling for every holiday since being married. We did the traditional decoration of eggs, made a roast lamb for Sunday dinner (we happened to also have naan and some herbs, so we joked about having our own Passover), went to see Matt's in-town family for part of the day, and I took my parents to the KC zoo for their first time on Monday.

4. April: I had my latest NFP appointment. There are a couple of things we will work on for the next couple of months, and if nothing changes by July, then we will be referred up to Omaha's Pope Paul VI Institute. Please pray for us.

5. May: I had a second grade class make their First Communion in April, but something that really brought joy to my heart was a small cohort of First Communicants in May. They were all older than second grade and for various reasons had been delayed in receiving the sacraments. It was a blessing to prepare them (we have two other catechists who take care of the second grade, so I am not as involved in their process) and to meet with their families throughout the year, and then to see their joy in finally receiving the Eucharist.

6. May: With the end of the school year, things have NOT slowed down for me. I'd almost venture to say they have become much busier. After PSR ended,

• had one more First Communion (see #5)
• helped at a retreat
• presented my budget and fundraising proposals at work
• traveled to Oklahoma (was surprised by my brother being home for our family vacation!!)
• Matt and I had our third wedding anniversary
• participated in a dear friend's wedding,
• and met with my catechists to review the school year...all in May...

7. June: So far this month I have traveled to Saint Louis to spend the weekend with three of my best girlfriends from college. Looking forward to the rest of this summer

• I will be making a trip back to see my parents this upcoming weekend
• I am taking on some temporary youth group responsibilities for my parish-parish
• preparing for my summer fundraiser (Bible Read-A-Thon), VBS, Steubenville, and a lake evening with youth group at work
• will be having a stay-cation with Matt's side of the family
• July is when all the work events mentioned two bullet points back take place...Heaven help me (and aforementioned next NFP appointment)
• aaaaaaand then bam, it's school again!

I don't know how this summer got so packed so quickly. It started looking this way all the way back in March! I may have had a not so tiny meltdown early in May as I started to realize how packed the summer is. I really need to start putting myself in the mindset that in this line of work, summer is NOT a "break," although of course several of these activities are for fun and by my own choosing. Please pray that I can find time to find some quiet in the in-betweens of all my summer activity.

And that's life in a nutshell! Can't promise I'll be great at blogging again, but it's nice to know it's here and waiting for me :-)

In defense of the boring Old Testament Books

Let's face it, they exist...books of the Bible that make us rethink our goal of reading through the entirety of the Bible. People quote "Blessed are the poor in spirit..." and "Love is patient..." but I haven't yet heard someone say their favorite verse is "The cities of the tribe of the Judahites in the extreme southern district toward Edom were: Kabzeel, Eder, Jagur, Kinah, Dimonah, Adadah...[etc. etc. etc. for like 40 more verses and how do all these cities fit into that small of a land for just one tribe is Israel bigger than I thought holy smokes...]."

I had a wise FOCUS missionary who told our Bible study group that every word of the inspired Word of God was important, and proceeded to make us read through a genealogy of Jesus. Though it's hard to remember this when reading through lists of cities that belonged to the tribes of Israel when they finally entered and took the Promised Land, it's equally as true for the historical books of the Bible. And so I put on my big girl pants and have been reading them...slowly. Super slowly.

So what are we supposed to take from these lists and minute details? As I finished up the book of Joshua this past week, I found my answer in this verse: "And so the LORD gave Israel the entire land he had sworn to their ancestors he would give them (Joshua 21:43)."

We may not care that much about every city and every boundary mentioned in Joshua, but the Israelites did, because it was all proof of God's unconditional love and unwavering promise.

When I tell the story of my journey with infertility, I remember every detail...what meds I have been put on and dosages, what blood draws I've had, the details and levels of those hormone tests, what my charting means, and what is yet to come. These details may not mean much to anybody else, but when it comes to my story of God's work in my life, it matters. At the end, whether I have been blessed with biological children or God has a different plan, all the small details will point to His master plan and glorification.

So bask in the details of Scripture. They are part of the beauty that brings the story of salvation history together.