Music Questionnaire

If there's one thing I've learned about blogging, it's that:
1A) I usually feel like blogging when I am in a sad or feisty mood nowadays.
1B) I usually shouldn't blog when I am in a sad or feisty mood because it sounds like I'm in the pits of despair ALL THE TIME.

Which realistically I'm not. But today is a sad/feisty mood day. You'll never know which, cause I'm going to go for something hopefully more lighthearted.



1. a song you like with a color in the title: Blue Clear Sky by George Straight
2. a song you like with a number in the title: 10,000 Miles by Mary Chapin Carter
3. a song that reminds you of summertime: Fireflies by Jessa Anderson
4. a song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about: (ha!) Yellow by Coldplay
5. a song that needs to be played LOUD: All the Small Things by blink-182
6. A song that makes you want to dance: Copperhead Road by Steve Earle
7. A song to drive to: Wake Me Up by Avicii
8. A song about drugs or alcohol: Wasted by Carrie Underwood
9. a song that makes you happy: The End and the Beginning by Matt Maher
10. a song that makes you sad: What Love Really Means by JJ Heller
11. a song that you never get tired of: Sparrow by Audrey Assad
12l a song from your preteen years: I mean, if we're being really honest here...Why Not by Hilary Duff
13. one of your favorite 80's songs: Song of the South by Alabama
14. a song that you would love played at your wedding: our dance was Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe
15. A song that is a cover by another artist: Boyce Avenue's cover of Teenage Dream
16. one of your favorite classical songs: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake is at the end of Of Gods and Men and WRECKS me.
17. a song that you would sing a duet with on karaoke: I would gladly butcher Love is an Open Door from the Frozen soundtrack! It'd be fun, I'd just butcher it.
18. a song from the year you were born: I'm just gonna leave this here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaTGrV58wec
19. a song that makes you think about life: Love is Moving by Audrey Assad
20. a song that has many meanings to you: Happiness by The Fray
21. a favorite song with a person's name in the title: My Maria by Brooks & Dunn
22. a song that moves you forward: He Rose Again by The Vigil Project
23. a song that you think everybody should listen to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G3IFp3Ckiw
24. a song by a band you wish were still together: Grandpa (Tell Me 'Bout the Good Old Days) by The Judds
25. a song by an artist no longer living: That's Amore by Dean Martin
26. a song that makes you want to fall in love: I mean, whenever Matt wants to romance me a good go-to song is Something Just Like This by Alex Goot...or anything else by Alex Goot...Matt has an Alex Goot mix on standby ;-)
27. a song that breaks your heart: Build by Life by Housefires
28. a song by an artist with a voice that you love: Restless by Audrey Assad
29. a song that you remember from your childhood: No News by Lonestar
30. a song that reminds you of yourself: Broken Things by Matthew West

Edited: Vent time, sorry

The Good: Tea with Tolkien podcast (and everything else by her too): https://www.teawithtolkien.com/

The Not-so-good: Our national discourse on violence. We know what needs to be done. But we don't know what needs to be done. We hit our knees. But we're not good enough for doing that.

The True: He Rose Again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYTsm8h-ZLM

The Not-so-true: f you're reading this now, it's been edited and you don't get to see my original vent...sorry (not sorry). I just needed air my frustration for a little bit, and now I am much better. Just know that 1) I feel quite strongly that most people opposed to NFP have no idea what it actually is and 2) I am a super sensitive person who needs to continue to work on when to walk away from fruitless conversations.

The Beautiful: 2 Samuel 23:5

The Not-so-beautiful: Mice. Nearly 6 mice caught in the past month. Icky little critters refuse to be gone.

The Prayer Request: Also edited...I had an important doctor's appointment today. Please pray for clarity in moving forward.

The "We're not going to end on a sour note":We're aunt and uncle again! Beautiful nephew born a couple days ago. Another nephew due before end of the year. We are so ridiculously blessed by these beautiful children in our lives and our amazing family. God is good.

The Good, the True, and the Beautiful: 7 Quick Takes

1. The Good: I have been unemployed now for nearly two months (BTW, that is not the good itself. Keep reading for the good). While the first month was the hardest and I haven't made quite as much progress as I'd like on a best schedule for myself, overall I've reached a better stride and better mindset.

2. The True: I had my first round of interviews for a possible new work opportunity and, even it this doesn't end up being the one for me and/or they choose a different candidate, it's been a good reminder that I still "got it" when it comes to being looked at for positions. And interviewing so far has been sooooo much better after working full time as a youth minister and getting so much more varied experience under my belt (Fundraiser! Caretaker! Lesson Planner! Administrative Assistant! Volunteer Coordinator! Public Speaker! Social Media! World Dominator! [ok, sorry, one step too far lol]).

3. The Beautiful: I've been able to attend a daily Mass about once a week since beginning of unemployment, or at least stopping in for Adoration for a bit more randomly and often. Also spending more time outside, which historically has not been my forte. I've made more progress on vines and had a nicer little blooming corner garden this year.

4. The not-so-good: Mother's Day and the weekend after with a baptism were a little more difficult than I like to admit... But a goodish recent development, with the help and hard work of a few other women, has been to get an in-person infertility support group going locally. It's something that's been on my heart for a long time, and I hope the Spirit continues to let us meet and grow the group...as one of the ladies recently said, it's a group that we both love for the fellowship and hate for the circumstances.

5. The not-so-true: The first two weeks of unemployment were the worst. So much self-debasement. So much questioning and having to constantly remind myself of why I'd made my choice. So much temptation towards pride and trying to keep a hold on how I would keep things going if I was still in the position. It was pretty rough, y'all.

6. The not-so-beautiful: My hair and overall appearance right now...and I don't say that to be demeaning to myself, it's just that I spent four hours today putting together a new nightstand/dresser from Ikea and y'all, I'm just a bit of a glistening mess at the moment.

7. Other random tidbits: I've recently started a more in-depth list of intentions and keeping track of them at the suggestion of my spiritual mentor. I also recently started in on 2 Samuel in my quest to read all the Bible starting with the shortest books and working my way up...which started when I was in like 6th grade so, you know, not too impressive for progress, but it's the thought and attempts that count. Matt will be leaving for his annual trip to Canada next week. I'll be doing a silent retreat for the first time that same weekend. My very new container of coconut milk looked curdled and I'm trying to figure out if I just didn't shake it well enough or if it was actually just old? IDK, my go to milks are usually almond and macadamia these days. I need to mow in the morning so I'm going to bed rather early for a Friday night.

Leaning In

This weekend will be full of emotions.

Friday was my last day of work at my work-parish of 3.5 years. I didn't leave things as perfectly as I'd hoped. So I spent Friday feeling the full weight of my inadequacy.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm one of those that will sit in the pew a little heartbroken if/when the moms are invited to stand for a blessing.

I want to hide a bit. Or be somewhere else...somewhere they don't know me.

But God has been saying, pretty directly and unmistakingly, "Stay. Don't run. Lean in. I'll feel everything you feel. I'll feel your humiliation. I'll feel your shame. I have taken on your humiliation. I have become shame...I have resurrected it into glory."

It's ok for me to experience and acknowledge my failings in my work/ministry position that I just left. It's true, for every success I may have had there were about 10 ways I didn't step up. And that's on me. By acknowledging it, though, it also allows me to invite God to fill in where I failed. If I pretended I did everything right, well, that just wouldn't be sincere. If I just wallow in my failure and didn't bring it to God at all, that is pride, as if it all depended on me, which is the greater temptation. God is crushing that right now and making me confront the past 3.5 years in all it's brokenness and glimpses of glory. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

It's ok for me to feel sad in the pew on Sunday. No one needs to feel worse because of it...I still want all the moms to feel blessed and spoiled and appreciated tomorrow. I know I won't be the only one sad, some have different crosses than me that I can't imagine bearing...birth moms who have given up children for adoption, miscarriage, moms who have passed away. I know that any other Sunday, there are other people hiding back tears for other reasons...broken relationships, broken dreams, broken faith. It is better for me to stay with my community and welcome them to carry my cross with me and carry their crosses too. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

Full disclosure, I have been preparing my heart for this weekend by hiding my heart within the lyrics of a worship playlist and trying my hardest to make the lyrics my own prayer. Sometimes that involves scream-crying "You're a GOOD GOOD FATHER" and convincing myself that He really does love me, or whispering "Lead me to the cross" when I know I'd rather stay away from it. Stay. Don't run. Lean in.

Seven Quick Takes: April 2019

1. I'm officially at 15 days to my last day in my current work situation. It's surreal, mostly because I have tunnel vision to the end of things and trying to make transition smooth. More people keep asking if I have something lined up for after my last day, and "trying to get pregnant" is usually too crazy of an answer outside of a couple of very wonderful and understanding women in the parish, so my usual response is that I am finding something part time closer to home. Which is also true.

2. My big April event went over as well as it could considering my own failings and strengths I brought into planning it out. It took a significant chunk of the youth account, but didn't wipe it out and with youth group *probably* going to be non existent next year anyway, I think it is better that we used donor money toward something that was spiritually edifying rather than letting it sit indefinitely (at least that's what I tell myself when I get frustrated).

3. Outside of tunnel vision, I am starting to look forward to my three best friends from college coming into town for a couple of days this summer. When we meet up we always intentionally make time to share life and how the Spirit has been moving and edifying each other and it's just so good.

4. I am more of a social media observer than content-provider. For my Theology of Technology class in grad school I got a Twitter account. Facebook keeps getting worse as far as having to follow people in order to see new posts, which I don't want to do, so I've moved on to watching funny and insightful priests and sisters share memes and stories and gifs on Twitter.

5. I have nearly $8 saved up on Google rewards. I think I'm getting close to having enough to buy Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts on e-book.

6. I'm in a weird enough transition phase of life that some days when I'm feeling super anxious I have the thought to go and get a radical haircut. I'm trying to ride it out. I do want to get my little bit of purple again after I'm done with work. Britney's head shaving incident makes more sense some days.

7. People/events to pray for: Sri Lanka, Benedictine grad and her baby who were killed in a vehicle accident, some prayer intentions and frustrations from my infertility support group, new Catholics including 6 of my students who entered the Church at Easter and two more who will on Memorial Day weekend, 15 students receiving 1st Communion this weekend, and a special intention.

Lent in the Garden

I think the idea last year to focus Lent around an aspect/title of Jesus that He's wanting me to learn about Him was fruitful last year, so I'm doing it again this year. Last year I based everything around Christ the Physician, this year is Christ the Gardener. Now I will be the first to admit I have not delved nearly as deeply as I ought, mostly due to an energy-draining work project that is at the beginning of April, but here's what's come up for me so far:
* When I presented the idea to my spiritual mentor, one aspect she mentioned was that of Christ's cross tilling the soil of my heart. That has struck with me, especially on days where I'm so consumed with my project that it leaves me feeling desolate. It reminds me that Christ is preparing the fields through me and my sacrifices.
*I *am* trying to actively spend more time gardening (because truly I'm not good at spending time outside, so it's both a penance for me and brings the gardening images to life). The thoughts I've noticed when I go to garden is that at first I get so annoyed that I don't see any progress so I want to give up within 5 minutes of starting, but then when I get into it it's hard to find a good stopping point because I keep seeing improvements I could make. I realized that in some ways I approach my relationships and ministries with the same attitudes... take the youth ministry aspect for example, I get so frustrated that I can't see any good coming from my efforts, so there is the real inclination to throw up my hands and walk away, but then when you start to see progress in the kids in their conversations and attitudes, you get giddy and can't help but think how you can keep the momentum rolling. Also, I say that I'm gardening, but mostly up to now I've just been having to haul twigs around our yard and prune a bunch of vines and as I was in the middle of untangling and hacking a bunch of vines, I couldn't help but think of how much I suddenly did not like the parable of the vine and the branches anymore 😋 seriously, vines are worse to remove and dig up and kill than weeds.
*Another image that has kind of come up for me are the types of flowers in my life. This came up because in our small young adult women's book club at our parish, we usually share a "rose and thorn", or high and low, from the time period since we last met. But what else besides roses are in my garden? Of course you could associate weeds with sins...I think of simple pleasures as daisies, sacrifices and prayers as lilies, little sadnesses as blue hydrangeas...
*Of course the one time we see Christ the Gardener in Scripture is His encounter with Mary Magdalene after the Resurrection...where do I not recognize Christ in my life? Where do I not recognize His glory?

Let them listen to Christmas music in Advent (and even before it too!)

I should have written this in December, but it's still a little bit on my mind since it's still the Christmas season!

One fruit of the New Evangelization that I've obsrrved has been the attitude of many Catholics to meet non-Catholics where they're at in their walk of faith. Coupled with a cultural trend of sensitivity to others, the conversation of "Oh, you believe that? That is true and good and beautiful and I have that too, so let's start there and we can be friends and discuss this civilly," can be very winning and effective.

Yet somehow, when it comes to Advent and how to practice it, it seems that the same empathetic Catholics suddenly explode with rAGE oh my GOSH I can't beLIEVE these people listen to Christmas music before December freaking 25th and you don't even KNOW how to Advent properly you heathens get behind me SATAN!

Now, my argument isn't that we should lose our correct focus on waiting for the coming of Christ, both in remembrance of the mystery of the Nativity and in anticipation of the second coming, but if I can imagine a non-believer being turned off by someone going off about how you're doing Advent wrong by engaging in some (fairly innocent and really quite endearing) cultural norms because I as a practicing Catholic are turned off by being preached at about whether I should be putting out my stocking and humming some Jingle Bell Rock, then we are definitely going about the conversation wrong.

I simply suggest we should employ those same methods of evangelization to our conversation on the practices of Advent. Let's start with the truth... sometimes people who listen to Christmas music starting in October aren't shallow and aren't trying to take Christ out of Christmas. Perhaps they are anticipating the joy of Christ so much that they can't hold it in. Even if they're a non-believer...there is still the sense of anticipation of... something. So let's start there. "Oh, you're excited for Christmas? There's something about joy and an 'already-but-not-yet' that you can't quite put your finger on (or maybe just aren't willing to name)? Me too! Let's start there..."

Maybe they are into the (cultural) "Christmas season" because it's a season that would otherwise be dreary, sad, or lonesome for them. We live in a disconnected and messy world and winter hides our much needed source of Vitamin D, and if the message or melody of a Christmas song will lift spirits and bring a spark of joy...let them have their cake and eat it too, for Pete's sake!

So whether early Christmas music grinds your gears, Santa makes you grumpy, or Happy Holidays/Xmas makes you shudder... let's calm down, take a breath, and start with the loving truth. Yes, let's await. Yes, let's be generous. Yes, let's respect others' religious convictions (plus sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch a Facebook debate for the upteenth time about whether December 25th was a pagan holiday and the meaning of the letter X). Happy continued Christmas season!