November Seven (not so quick) Takes

Sneaking this one in before the end of the month...

1. Because it's fresh in my mind, our Sunday driving misadventure included...
#1: driving to KC at a good time before snow accumulated... but then not driving straight home.
#2: The first indicator of issues involved getting stuck behind another stuck car on a road which involved us going back down a hill and trying an alternate route.
#3: On our alternate route we were going a good pace, but then were cut off by another car which resulted in getting stuck on a hill on a highway with several other vehicles.
#4: After a truck with chains helped us off that highway, we tried 3 different roads to get to our house (which was constantly within 2 miles), but kept getting stuck on hills. During this time a mustang spun out in front of us and as we backed away we backed into someone else. Who didn't exchange info with us because she had no insurance and all she was out for was gas for her car.
#5: Finally I decided we should just go downhill for as long as possible and find a parking lot to get off the roads. Which was a good idea. I found a parking lot at a big park near us and realized I could drive for as long as possible through the park without traffic in our way and at least get us closer to home. Which was a bad idea.
#6. This drive through the park resulted in (surprise surprise) getting stuck on a hill and in my 3point turn to get back down the hill, got my back two tires just off the road enough that we were really truly stuck. Several phone calls later and our good friend came and helped us shovel out, park in the park rest area, and drove us home.

(I told you these wouldn't be so quick)

2. My greatest joy at work right now is Wednesday evening PSR. We have both Sunday and Wednesday classes, and our Wednesday class is only 15-20 kids in various grades, most of whom are 1st and 2nd grade students. I teach a small group of older children... usually consisting of a couple of 3rd graders, a 4th grader and a 5th grader. They read through their lessons and I walk around and ask them to be able to tell me what they are reading, define words, describe what they've learned in their own words, etc. They have been so self starting, interested, involved, and overall joyful kids to be with!

3. I broke down and created a full sized (8.5x11) agenda for myself (versus the mini binder and paper I'd been using). I'm able to fit my work loose papers in it and be more creative with the layout.

4. Recently I've been reflecting on how brokenness is not always sinfulness (although brokenness is in the world because of sin), but still needs reparation. My thoughts on this go in circles a bit.

5. I've adopted another podcast since my last blog. The Lanky Guys (technically called Word on the Hill, and the podcasters are known as the Lanky Guys, but you can find the podcast by searching for the Lanky Guys) cover the upcoming Sunday readings. They seem to make a lot of the same points each year (they've been doing this for upwards of 6-7 years), but it's still nice that they give a whole bunch of context and they really try to pull together all 4 readings (yes, including the responsorial psalm).

6. So far macadamia nut "milk" is my fave dairy alternative.

7. Avoiding the sorrowful...
My grandpa had some polyps that were causing obstructions near his pancreas, gall bladder, etc., so they decided to go for surgery to remove them on Nov. 12th. Because it is a major surgery and he'd be laid up for a long time, my dad brought him along on our new annual tradition of watching a KState game in Aggieville on Nov. 10-11th. The surgery the next day seemed to go well, but he developed complications including pneumonia, a collapsed lung, and his heart could no longer handle the stress. On Nov. 18th, as my family surrounded him, he passed away. Thanksgiving week for us thus included my brother getting emergency leave to come home, the rosary on Friday and funeral on Saturday. It's surreal and heart breaking to reflect on my last three weekends.

A post by the name of "Ugh"

Ugh was too short of a name for this blog post. But it's the heart of it.

God has been doing a work on my heart these last few weeks. It's in many forms and in many ways and I don't know what the end result is supposed to be, but I can sense it.

Discernment for me usually occurs when a theme keeps popping up. Right now that theme/word for me has been "desert." Ugh. The desert is not fun.

But for me, desert is a both now and future thing. You know those days where you go home at the end of the day thinking, "Why in the world did I phrase things that way? That was so awkward. What do they think? What are they saying?" That has been nearly every day for the past two-three weeks and for the foreseeable future for me. I just can't get a good handle on things I want to communicate to people. My desert currently consists of more days than not of having to lean on God and saying, "Ok, that did not go over smoothly at all...but the day is done, there is nothing I can do now, I have events in two days and a week and a month and 6 months out I need to focus on now." Every single day includes a pep talk of, "You are worthy, you do not and cannot do anything to change your worthiness, your worthiness does not rely on other's opinions, what other people do or think does not need to affect your inner peace. Daughter of God is your identity." Now, that sounds like a good mantra, but when nearly every other day if not every day has such a low point that I'm having to repeat that over and over, it's also exhausting that my heart just hasn't gotten the message yet. And so I keep returning to the desert, or traveling further in in any case.

But the desert is also in the future for me. Ugh. I've recently made some movement towards some big changes in several months, and every time I'm tempted to think, "Things are going to get so much better after this amount of time, everything is going to be so much easier," God interrupts my self-talk and lets me know that the desert is yet to come. This side of heaven, we will never be in perfect peace, although God does want our good here and now. There is going to be a temptation to settle into the easy, but as a great saint has told us, we were made for greatness. And so it does scare me that the desert I am going through now that feels so burdensome is only preparing me for the desert that is to come...

But the desert is not barren. The desert is where the Lover of our souls beckons us to come away with Him, and so it is so kind and loving of Him to call us into the wilderness. He does not do this to try me, to test me, to push me beyond my limits, to abandon me, but because of His wild and wreckless love. On one of the episodes of Abiding Together I was recently listening to, they were talking about the point that each of us is broken, but broken in a different manner from each other so that, even though we can relate to each other in our brokenness, only God can meet us completely in our brokenness, just as we are each individually called and loved by God. God loves us all, Jesus died on the cross for us all, He died on the cross for me and if I was the only person on earth He would have died for me and He died for me that day. To call me as His Beloved. Exactly as I am...my gifts, my quirks, my brokenness. It's been a temptation for me to reach out to anybody and everybody to talk me through my desert and how I'm struggling and how to get through. But God does not want me to rely on anybody and everybody else besides Him.

And so in my current desert I will continue to pep talk my heart everyday: "You are strong, you are kind, you are sensitive, you are worthy. Jesus is kind. Jesus respects you. Jesus is with you." And as my future desert approaches, I will prepare and strengthen my heart for whatever that desert holds...knowing that God is my strength, and He is sufficient.

All under control: Seven Quick Takes August 2018

1. I was imagining writing a blog post as early as last night about how really, I have my spiritual, work and home life under control and yes, I've GOT this! And then today rolled around, and I have been panic/overwhelmed central. Humility check.

2. Europe happened, which is still a little crazy to comprehend. I'm so grateful for the opportunity, and hope one of these days to dedicate a blog post to it.

3. Having a flea and ant-less home is a great thing. Now about those spiders.

4. So grateful for the Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast for bringing me joy. So grateful for the Abiding Together podcast for kicking my bottom and wrecking my world.

5. Ordering dairy and gluten free-ish on the go really just means a whole lot of fruit and hash browns.

6. Along those lines, today's simple joy is popcorn.

7. Off to dinner with the Hills!

Vulnerability and Openness in a media age: 7 quick takes

1) school year is done. I've been able to go to our regular Mass time at our regular parish with Matt the past TWO Sundays. Glorious.

2) Summer youth planning includes, but not limited to, a week of day trips for the HS students to different churches and fun places, and third straight year of Vacation Bible School for the incoming K-8.

3) Just applied for my passport this past week. Hoping that visiting my brother will come to pass. Will be my first time out of the country.

4) I bought a skirt for $5 from Amazon (I'm not an online shopper, but I had a $10 Amazon gift card). It is my favorite article of clothing. I think I've been wearing it nearly once a week since I bought it.

5) I like my summer wardrobe significantly less than my winter clothes. At least my office attire, anyways.

6) We recently celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. Olive Garden and opening night of the Han Solo movie was how we celebrated.

7) Concerning the title: I've been mulling over vulnerability and the role of the internet. There are so many good articles out there where people really share their deep struggles so that whoever is reading can benefit or at least know that they aren't alone with whatever the struggle is. Vulnerability demands trust, and the way some people (aka not I) can so gracefully open up about topics so intimate and inspiring floors me. I remember mulling for a long time before mentioning infertility here on this blog that I think maybe three people in total read. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on Facebook. I think maybe one Instagram post I have alluded to it. I suppose it depends on the traffic of the website/social media, intention of the poster (inspiring others versus emotional dumping into the void)... That being said, I ask your prayers as I find myself facing an onslaught of anxiety issues. I'm seeking the help I need mentally and spiritually. The thing that gives me the most hope is that Grace builds on nature.

Bonus! 8) you might remember in my last 7 quick takes about my skin care debacle. Update: I bought some okay regerist. $20 for a 2oz bottle... good grief! I have not been super impressed. My cheeks especially are still very red and (maybe more than before) dry. After this bottle is out I will probably try plain coconut oil, but I also read a cautionary article that coconut oil can clog pores (interestingly, same with hair, that hair can absorb the oil and then not absorb water, leaving it more dry than before). Still, I think I will give it a shot and make sure to wash my face by the end of the day. I DID buy a facial soap cleanser that I have started to use once a week, just to give it a good deep clean.

...and now it's March: 7 quick takes

1. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's ok that I'm only getting to this once a month. I'm not a college kid with loads of free time anymore 😜

2. My greatest accomplishment in the past couple of days has been clearing my personal email. I'm very thorough with my work email, but I'd let my personal email get close to 900 (mostly unread) emails, not including the sections that Gmail denotes as promotions and what not. I'm nearly done with 2017!

3. My face is super dry, no matter the season. I've been using Pond's facial lotion for 10 years after a facial for a wedding where the beautician suggested that using lotion would help me not to get oily skin by night time. Which it mostly has. But in the past couple of years even Pond's hasn't been enough to keep my face moisturized through the day. I reached out on Facebook for suggestions and decided I will try Olay regenerist first, and then try some good ole coconut oil and see which I like best. I'm a few days into using the Olay and I'm not super impressed...I feel like I should be impressed when it's a $20 1.7fl oz bottle. I'm still noticing dry skin halfway through the day, and it stings, which Pond's didn't. BUT I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt the first couple of weeks because A) it's $20 and B) I did get a little sun on Saturday, so that may be why it's a little dry still.

4) this is my last super busy month for the school year youth ministry wise. I still have PSR and confirmation through the month of April, but it should be a bit more relaxed. At this point I'm pushing through to May 👊👐👏

5) I've never used emojis much in blogging so I don't know if they'll even show up.

6) the last several months whenever something really irks me at work, my mental image turns to flipping tables over. I've been flipping a whole lot of mental tables 🤷

7) I still have yet to dedicate as much time as I should to getting a car. We've been rocking the one car situation for more than a month. I do like extra time with Matt in the mornings.

February is here?! 7 quick takes

1. I found the money I'd lost that I spoke of in my last post. It was in the refrigerator at work. St. Anthony is weird.

2. I had two bad dreams a few nights ago. One was a full out nightmare that I talked through with my spiritual mentor. The other was work-going-wrong kind of dream. I'm still trying to process the nightmare. 1) During the nightmare I did a few things to test whether it was a dream or not, and I felt "pain," so I was convinced that I was awake. 2) I died in the dream. Yikes.

3. We had a night-before-the-wedding guys night at our house a couple nights ago. I didn't like intruding, but I also have no idea what to do on a Friday night by myself after 8pm. I didn't check movie times until 8/8:30, and by that time the next show times for The Greatest Showman and The Post were at 10:30 near us, which sounded daunting. So I went to our church chapel until 9:30pm, went to eat, had no idea what else to do or where to go, so I returned to the chapel and sat and read until the guys left around 12:30am.

4. Said wedding was the first I've attended with the Anglican Use. Super similar, more Thy and Thous.

5. I haven't physically seen our mice in about a month. At least one (which probably means a nestful) still lives in the lining of our guest bathroom tub. Every so often, you can hear them tapping on the lining, or even crawling through from one end to the other. The sound of fur rubbing on the ceramic is cringe-inducing.

6. Next year's school schedule for my work town is weird due to their expansion. They don't start till the week following Labor Day, they go through the end of May, fewer long weekends, and their spring break will only be a Thursday through Tuesday.

7. I didn't realize that it was the month of February, or at least it didn't sink in until the 3rd.

Resting in prayer

I stopped actively asking people to pray for my intentions a long while ago. After not seeing what you think is the biggest desire of your heart not seem to come to pass in a tangible way despite asking a lot of super holy people bombarding heaven with prayer... I don't know, I just tired of it. In real life that has translated to not as actively pursuing that desire because of the dread of the heartbreak and sorrow that accompanies each time I do get my hopes up, as well as a regression from personal prayer, at least of the formal, sit-down and focus variety.

And yet on Friday (yeah, my birthday, the day that's supposed to be like yeah, everything rocks, yeah!), I made a medium-large sizedish mistake. It was my own fault, I was careless in judgment, but as I was going about trying to figure out how to fix my mistake (still not resolved, please pray to St. Anthony for me), I realized I was walking around and praying a string of Hail Marys without realizing it. As much as I thought I had run away from prayer, I was shocked to find myself in a state of offering up my self-inflicted misery. And so I swallowed my pride and texted a friend to pray for my situation.

The thing is, we all of our struggles with personal prayer, but we can also tend to struggle in asking for prayer as well, and perseverance in asking for the same intention over... and over... and over again. Just like repetitive habitual venial sin and how much it weighs on us until we think if we confess it one more time the priest is sure to throw something at me, we think that if we ask for that intention one more time, our friend might seriously run for the hills.

Our recourse should be praying AND in resting in the prayer that others offer for us. And we should rejoice in the knowledge that God is using those prayers  and graces to heal the body of Christ where most needed, even if He deems that it is not my life needing it at the moment.  It's definitely a case of head knowledge becoming heart knowledge, and I don't think I'm there even halfway yet, but thank God for the gifts of faith and hope.