Ugh was too short of a name for this blog post. But it's the heart of it.
God has been doing a work on my heart these last few weeks. It's in many forms and in many ways and I don't know what the end result is supposed to be, but I can sense it.
Discernment for me usually occurs when a theme keeps popping up. Right now that theme/word for me has been "desert." Ugh. The desert is not fun.
But for me, desert is a both now and future thing. You know those days where you go home at the end of the day thinking, "Why in the world did I phrase things that way? That was so awkward. What do they think? What are they saying?" That has been nearly every day for the past two-three weeks and for the foreseeable future for me. I just can't get a good handle on things I want to communicate to people. My desert currently consists of more days than not of having to lean on God and saying, "Ok, that did not go over smoothly at all...but the day is done, there is nothing I can do now, I have events in two days and a week and a month and 6 months out I need to focus on now." Every single day includes a pep talk of, "You are worthy, you do not and cannot do anything to change your worthiness, your worthiness does not rely on other's opinions, what other people do or think does not need to affect your inner peace. Daughter of God is your identity." Now, that sounds like a good mantra, but when nearly every other day if not every day has such a low point that I'm having to repeat that over and over, it's also exhausting that my heart just hasn't gotten the message yet. And so I keep returning to the desert, or traveling further in in any case.
But the desert is also in the future for me. Ugh. I've recently made some movement towards some big changes in several months, and every time I'm tempted to think, "Things are going to get so much better after this amount of time, everything is going to be so much easier," God interrupts my self-talk and lets me know that the desert is yet to come. This side of heaven, we will never be in perfect peace, although God does want our good here and now. There is going to be a temptation to settle into the easy, but as a great saint has told us, we were made for greatness. And so it does scare me that the desert I am going through now that feels so burdensome is only preparing me for the desert that is to come...
But the desert is not barren. The desert is where the Lover of our souls beckons us to come away with Him, and so it is so kind and loving of Him to call us into the wilderness. He does not do this to try me, to test me, to push me beyond my limits, to abandon me, but because of His wild and wreckless love. On one of the episodes of Abiding Together I was recently listening to, they were talking about the point that each of us is broken, but broken in a different manner from each other so that, even though we can relate to each other in our brokenness, only God can meet us completely in our brokenness, just as we are each individually called and loved by God. God loves us all, Jesus died on the cross for us all, He died on the cross for me and if I was the only person on earth He would have died for me and He died for me that day. To call me as His Beloved. Exactly as I am...my gifts, my quirks, my brokenness. It's been a temptation for me to reach out to anybody and everybody to talk me through my desert and how I'm struggling and how to get through. But God does not want me to rely on anybody and everybody else besides Him.
And so in my current desert I will continue to pep talk my heart everyday: "You are strong, you are kind, you are sensitive, you are worthy. Jesus is kind. Jesus respects you. Jesus is with you." And as my future desert approaches, I will prepare and strengthen my heart for whatever that desert holds...knowing that God is my strength, and He is sufficient.
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