Moving on

"You've grown so much while you've been here."

These were some of Sister Amy's parting words to me.  Tonight was my last night of work at the Little Sisters of the Poor.

There were a bunch of reasons that stopping work now before graduation was the best for me.  Mostly it was because I want to focus on being at school, with friends, for my last month of school.  Also, I work every other weekend, but 2 weekends from now I have a wedding to attend, and 2 weekends after that I have another wedding, so I'd be rescheduling for the entire month of April anyways.

I have to confess, though, that also slightly, I was tired.  In a year and four months I have learned the type of strength it takes to stick with being a CNA, and truthfully, I'm not sure I have that type of strength in me.  One of those things where if you could have the people aspect alone without the being away from home and working on holidays it would be the best job in the world.  If the Little Sisters and my family were in the same vicinity, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.  But the homesickness I've linked to working at the nursing home just made the job so much more difficult. 

Going back to Sister Amy's words...as nice as they were, I'm having a hard time believing them.  If anything, since working at the Sisters, I've learned more of my weaknesses, but I'm not sure if I've improved upon them.  Maybe I'm just good at fooling people.  I remember one time in particular, while working a day shift in the middle of the summer, at the peak of my homesickness, a couple of the CNAs and I were talking at the nurse's station, and they mentioned they liked working with me because I was peaceful and calm.  At that point in my life, I was anything but peaceful and calm internally.  On the inside, I was screaming that I just wanted to be home. 

I've been looking forward to my last day for some time now.  But after work, as I was driving back to my on-campus house, all I could think of were "my residents".  That's what I call them now.  The ones who said the sweetest goodbyes to me this weekend.  The one's who still don't know my name and only recognize me as the little girl who comes to visit them sometimes.  The ones who passed away, the ones I was close to and learned their habits so well that I can still imagine them at their old places at their tables and their voices and the things they would say...but they're no longer here.  I was especially thinking about one of the residents I was closest with who passed away this week.  She just joked around so easily.  She was tall and lanky.   Always tried to share a piece of bread.  Had a very specific place on her walker to keep her glasses.  I guess tonight was my night to mourn her.  I learned how to mourn for residents that passed away.  Not many college students have jobs that require that job skill...learning to say goodbye.  There comes a point where it's finally ok to let go, and I've been blessed to see people come to that point and go on beyond this life to the next.  I think that was my parting lesson in a small sense.