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More and more these days I feel less and less grown up. I see my peer group starting and ending relationships,
ending schools, applying to new schools, starting real jobs, getting engaged
and married…and I freak out and realize I’m too young and immature for this to
be happening. I see how people have
changed, grown out of or into their faiths, and realize that I’m still the same
as I was when I was starting off in high school.
Now I know that’s not entirely true. I’m sure there are ways that I’ve grown and
changed from 15 year old Bishop Carroll Chelsea to 21 year old Rockhurst
Chelsea, but I don’t think I know what they are yet. Am I more grounded in my faith? Some days.
Am I ready to start my vocation like a lot of my peers? Some days I just want college days to
continue on because the “real world” is unreal to me and void, like some
unavoidable pit into which I will eventually be pushed (Don’t get me wrong, I’m
not saying it’s bad to start a vocation so young, for me it’s just a
scary/mysterious thing). When I see a
lot of friends taking on jobs that are in different cities and different
states, I want them to just be back in Wichita…then I realize that I’m one of
those people. But I don’t feel it. Is there some sort of quick metamorphosis to
propel you into adulthood? I haven’t yet
discovered it. I mean, it even shocked
me when my mom offered me a wine cooler the last time I was home. Mom, don’t you know that’s not legal?? Oh, wait a second…
I recently texted something along these lines to a friend
back home (of course a more brief version of what I said above), and the one
thing the person said in reply has been a bit of a comfort since then. This person simply said that it is good to
remain young at heart. It’s alright for
me to be where I am right now in my growth.
No need to speed up and try to catch up to everyone else’s level…if I’m
not ready for forever, then God has me here for a purpose to continue to form
me into His loving daughter. And no need to try to recapture the past
either. High school was a beautiful
experience for me, and even though some days I think I still belong there, it
is quite simply true that I don’t, nor could I ever return. Even though my heart stays young, I have crossed
some sort of threshold into an adult world of relationships and bills and
change and making my own way. Someday
even college will be past, and the first few years when I’m done I’ll be a bit
disillusioned and probably want to be back in the safety and security of dorm
life and cafeteria meals and syllabi.
The word that my spiritual director kept returning to in my
last appointment with him was “disillusioned”.
Despite my heartache for home and complaining to him, he assured me I
was in a really good place (most days I growl and roll my eyes and think, “Uh
huh, whatever, good place my tushie.”).
Though I am not yet in the real world, I am starting to discover it in
glimpses, especially through being at work and the reality of what nurse
assistants go through day in and day out.
When I think of the “real world” and how I don’t want it yet and I’m not
ready for it, I am learning to make Jesus’ prayer my own… “Father, if it is
possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” I can’t stop the hands of time, as much as I
want to, nor can I speed up the summer to get straight to the school year as I’d
like so much to do. The cup is bitter,
but it is the Father’s will, and He has better plans than me (again, something I
contest more days than not).
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I received a beautiful call the other day. It was from a relative, also related to the
other family member I spoke of in one of my recent posts. This relative had just watched “For Greater
Glory”, and combined with that and talking with me, had worked up the courage
to call the family member and tell of their disapproval for what the other
family member is doing right now.
Knowing that others die for their faith make it a little more possible
and realistic to tell another person they’re not living up to their Catholic
faith.
I just had the opportunity to see the movie with Matt the
other evening, and let me tell you, I wish everybody had the chance to see
it. I won’t spoil it at all here for
you, I’ll simply provide the link to the movie website, but it is definitely
one of those films that forces you to put your life into perspective. I looked at my blog post above and laughed a
little later…oh, how often I take myself seriously! If I could laugh at myself more I would be braver. Courage is not for the serious and dull. Courage is for the child, the clown, and the convert. They all see the bad that has been done and
the good that can make things better in a clear light.
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