Spring break has come and passed for me. Tomorrow I head back to school. I'm so glad that God blessed me with this time back with my family. Friday night I helped with a soup supper that the Scouts hosted; Saturday I got to see my uncle, aunt, and cousins/Goddaughter; Sunday we went to Mass, had brunch with some family friends, and went to a German meal at a small town nearby with some other family friends; Monday I had the chance to see my friend Monica and her kiddos; Tuesday was date-night with the boyfriend; Wednesday I had my bridesmaid dress fitted and my parents and I went out to eat; and today my parents and boyfriend and I ate a Crockpot meal and played cards until just a bit ago. Now I'm soaking in as much of my time left as possible. Lord knows I will put off leaving tomorrow as long as possible. But we won't think about tomorrow...not yet. No, because right now I am here, at this moment, in this second, and I am free to not be a prisoner to tomorrow. I am free to be here, at home. And that is a glorious feeling.
I know a few days ago was the song of the day, so I'll just link you to this song, but I posted the song The Way You Move by Audrey Assad to Facebook yesterday, and it just really captures the emotion I have at the changes and shifts that I experience in God's will for my life. On one hand, it's healing and breathtaking to be swept off my feet by Him; on the other hand, it can be such a frightening experience to have walls torn down, roots uprooted, and life changed. Especially when I resist. I suppose I need to learn to be more pliable in the hands of the Potter.
Isn't that the way of things? I complain to God so much about how hurt I get when my way is not His way, that He should be more conducive to my own plans. But how easy it is to forget that this wasn't how He wanted things, and it hurts Him more than I will ever hurt. How many tears did He shed in the Garden over my stubbornness and pride? And how many tears have I shed over my own failings? Not even comparable to His.
That's been my meditation a lot during Communion lately. As He cried in the Garden, He thought of me, my whole life, the times I would comfort Him, even the times I would turn my back. He thought of me in my ever complicated state, always getting confused and second guessing Him. What did He think about me? What were His thoughts as He gazed upon my messy life? He, in His simplicity, probably thought nothing more than, "This is my beloved daughter." Wow. God never tries to complicate our relationship with "give and take" (she let Me down here, so I'll let her down there...). He, in His eternal, perfect simplicity, only gives. If He takes, it is only to offer something even greater. My greatest gift back to Him could only be to give...to give my time, my effort, my prayer...my life. And though I do this imperfectly, in the offering of the Eucharist, it DOES happen perfectly. We lay our lives on the paten, and He blesses that, because it is the sacrifice of His Son. Wow.
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