"Worry Gem"

"You asked Our Lord to let you suffer a little for Him. But when suffering comes in such a normal, human form--family difficulties and problems...or those thousand awkward little things of ordinary life--you find it hard to see Christ behind it. Open your hands willingly to those nails...and your sorrow will be turned into joy."--St. Josemaria Escriva...he seems to know the story of my life.

So, this is a little bit of my reflection from Adoration this evening. I was mulling over some points in spiritual direction that came up last semester (this semester's busy schedule has made it difficult to schedule regular spiritual direction, and as my director said, this is by the Holy Spirit's doing and I need to pick up the cues that the Spirit drops in life through such things as a busy schedule) and especially on how often I become angry at myself for my habits of worrying. Since I can remember I've been a planner and dreamer, always wanting to get an agenda worked through. And if I haven't been the one criticizing myself interiorly for it and wanting to find someway to live "day to day" as soooo many prescribe, then somebody else has been advising me to slow down and work on God's time. My spiritual director slowly has been showing me that my planning and worrying can be used for good.

I guess that's something about virtues and vices and human habits. Our worst habits...worrying, greed, lust, pride...are virtues misconstrued and used for wrong. To use Christopher West's wonderful analogy, we have these passions and desires like the engines of a rocket, but we turn them in on ourselves and self-destruct instead of propelling ourselves towards the heavens. All this time I've spent getting upset at myself and trying to radically correct my worrying ways could be spent in learning how to direct that worrying towards a good purpose, just as pride in one's work should be turned into a God-glorifying moment, and greed can be a proper recognition of God's good work on earth.

In other words, the extreme amount of worrying I might (*ahem* probably will) spend this week focused on tests/projects can properly be conducted into sacrifice for others. It's so...freeing...to realize that we can take our worst faults and use those habits toward a better purpose. I don't have to rid myself of worrying, only direct it to God's purposes. Instead of labeling myself as a "worry wart", I can perhaps be more aptly called a "worry gem"...a diamond in the hands of my Lord, being made into who He wants me to become.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about St. Josemaria, check this out!